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Sunday, September 20, 2015

2010s Predictions

I've been thinking about the future of horror lately because of the mainstream-ification of the genre with TV like American Horror Story, Scream Queens, Scream and the continuing parade of remakes.
Without further adieu, here are my crackpot predictions for the next 5-10 years of horror.
1) We'll finally get the Suspiria remake and it'll indeed be disappointing.
2) There will be a Ginger Snaps TV series that'll actually be received well by fans.
3) A true Hellraiser remake will continue to linger in a hellworld limbo.
4) More Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes/sequels will roll out as horror fans roll their eyes.
5) Following Wes Craven's death, Robert Englund will "go postal" and get arrested for consecutive DUIs.
6) John Carpenter will kick the bucket wearing his trademark "who gives a fuck" sweatsuit.
7) Masters of Horror will be resurrected in some form. I can dream, can't I?
8) Eric Stanze will continue to make terrible movies following his 1999 masterpiece Ice from the Sun.
9) Jennifer Rubin and Tuesday Knight will collaborate on a get-rich-quick scheme and end up badmouthing each other to bored bloggers.
10) Blogger 'Mr. Xploit' will untie the noose from his neck and not jump from his chair, when it's announced that both Emily Perkins gets the lead in an erotic horror epic and Russell Brand is elected president of the US of A.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

There's a Dick Miller documentary

If you've seen his face, you're either a horror fan or you watch terrible 70s TV.
"Aaaaaayyy, I'm like that guy in that otha' show with the leatha' jacket but not at all. Aaaaayyy!" It's great seeing a hard-working character actor such as Miller get his own tribute documentary. I'll always remember him as that guy I furiously whacked off to in Evil Toons. No wait, that was Monique Gabrielle. Come to think of it, she'd make an even better documentary subject!
Miller's Evil Toons role was great though, because he played a "Dick Miller" type guy watching his own character-actor roles on TV. Looks like the old sonofabitch is finally getting his due!
Let's hope the trend of documentaries continues! Now to actually watch the damn thing!

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Worrying Road of the "It" Remake

Things looked promising when Cary Fukunaga, the director of the first season of True Detective, was chosen to write and direct a two part remake of Stephen King's It. Prior to True Detective, Fukunaga helmed the award-winning, gritty Mexican flick Sin Nombre.
Andres Muschietti is apparently the new director behind the remake that for some reason has to happen. He made the legitimately scary 2008 short Mama, then made the very weak feature version Mama, which was critically and commercially successful.
Mama went for being a cute PG-13 fairy tale as opposed to a hardcore horror movie. It would be a smart career move for Muschietti to do this again with It, but it wouldn't please the fanbase. Critics always like the E.T. stories and shit on grisly fare like The Thing.
And then there's this brat, who'll probably play Pennywise. Hopefully he'll subvert the director's advice and creep the shit out of us. Thankfully, "it" is the best description I can think of for this kid.
The make-up jobs they churn out in these ubiquitous remakes are also commonly dispassionate, case-in-point Freddy in that 2010 bullhockey. This softball crap is the reason that Martyrs director Pascal Laugier jumped ship on the Hellraiser remake, which I dare not think about.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Cersei's Walk of Shame!

Since Sunday night's finale of Game of Thrones, I've been waiting to dissect Cersei Lannister's (Lena Headey) debut nude scene on the show. It was a controversial scene for its brutality, the high cost it took to shoot over three days and for using visual FX to map Headey's face onto a body double naked body. Reading about it was the most angry I've ever been post-fap! The giveaways were the strangely sub-par CGI and someone else's big titties under Lena's face.
The hot nude body belonged to actress Rebecca Van Cleave. I shall dissect an interview she and director David Nutter just did about the scene in Entertainment Weekly.
Van Cleave: "'s such an emotional experience for Cersei, you almost check out of the fact that you're nude."
Mr. Xploit: "You were clearly born to body double and steal away quality nude scenes. You bastard."

Van Cleave: "I personally don't agree with anybody who says having a body double detracts from the scene."
Mr. Xploit: "Ma'am, you stand in the way of everything me, my forefathers and the good folks at Kleenex have stood for for four generations. You've co-opted the impressionable minds of HBO for the last time! I'll see to it!"

Van Cleave: "It should be about the finished product, not about whose body was where and whose head was where."
Mr. Xploit: "You knew where every male viewers' head was and you took full advantage! For shame! Your walk of penance should've been the length of Rhode Island, if you ask me!"

David Nutter: "We needed somebody who could do The Walk of Shame physically, somebody who could match Lena's integrity, intensity and sensibility."
Mr. Xploit: "I agree, her intensity radiated right through her areolas."

That's my take! What's yours?

Friday, June 5, 2015

Blogger Problems: Shitty Screeners

They tease us with nice cover art, name actors or the simple art of being free. It kills me a little bit inside when a film producer wants you to promote his/her assfart of a horror movie. If you're hitting up the internet for promotion, have something someone is going to remember.
I visit sooo many horror sites that give kind reviews/promos of horror that's clearly terrible because they "just want to be nice." If you do this, I believe you're contributing to the bad reputation of the genre. Encouraging lazy filmmaking isn't for the better of the genre in the long run. 2011's phenomenal Absentia, made for less than $100,000, is proof that creativity, talent and passion are the key ingredients to making a classic. Marc Fratto is a director that puts out one hysterical movie after another, making the most out of low low budgets.
Blog with care, friends. Don't besmirch your reputation by recommending a joke. And yes, I know the word besmirch; I went to the university of hard knocks. Or at least the trade school...

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Needs a Remake: Nightwish (1989)

A group of grad students and their strange professor take a trip to a remote cabin to document... er-herm... "paranormal activity." Things get scary, hallucinatory and a little erotic. But wait! The increasingly weird outing is actually within a dream-research experiment. It becomes a creepy, shared nightmare and their guide becomes less trustworthy. Original concept + small budget= Ripe remake
The through storyline is eventually too hard to follow and the acting isn't great, but the ideas are horror movie gold. Its neat ending is very memorable and it has an attractive young cast. Look for it on home video cassette, or I guess torrents? Otherwise you're fucked.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

RANT Review: Bleeding Hearts (2015)

UGH. Fuck you Robert Loggia. Fuck you Dustin Diamond. And fuck. You indie exploitation filmmakers. Both of those actors are actually in this no-budget, no-effort movie and they're the reason I watched it.
I lied. I clearly watched it for actresses Seregon O'Dassey and Suzi Lorraine.
HERE'S MY BEEF: Why oh why can't an exploitative indie horror mess, that gives us the sleazy goods, be technically well made? It's truly not hard! I took film courses in school, but you don't have to to make something that's well plotted, well photographed, interesting and most of all: passionate! Just because you have a little budget doesn't mean it has to be this amateur hour bullhockey. I'm speaking of indie exploitation. Indie horror, on the other hand, does it well all the time. Just look at the genius of 2011's Absentia which had a $70,000 budget.
On IMDB it lists this movie's budget as $1.2 million. That is not Japanese Yen. The only explanation is that it went towards paying Robert Loggia and the heroin Dustin Diamond injects in his taint.
And the humor... don't even get me started on the humor.
In short, I'm furious about what movies like this could be. And fuck you Tony Todd.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Top 10 Elm Street Hotties

10) Tuesday Knight as Kristen (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4)
I'll always hold a grudge against Tuesday Knight for not being Patricia Arquette, but realistically, most women aren't. For this, I hold a grudge against genetics. Despite her inferior Kristen, Tuesday brought her own vulnerability and looks to the titular blonde.

9) Amanda Wyss as Tina (A Nightmare on Elm Street 1)
One of the most memorable kills of the series. I wouldn't have worked if it hadn't been such a cute actress clawing her away across the ceiling, while being torn up by Freddy. Everybody remembers the image of a petite blonde in nothing but a button-up shirt.

8) Kim Myers as Lisa (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2)
Jerry Seinfeld may not have been gaga, but you can't help being charmed by the sweetness of this young Meryl Streep look-a-like in the first sequel of the series.
The two of them were also in two of gayest movies of all time, Mamma Mia and A Nightmare Elm Street 2: Freddy's Back and Fabulous!

7) Monica Keena as Lori (Freddy vs. Jason)
Not a Nightmare movie, but I had to include Freddy Vs. Jason's final girl because it's goddamn Monica Keena. She couldn't save the movie but made it slightly more bearable.

6) Heather Langenkamp as Nancy (A Nightmare on Elm Street 1 & 3)
The original girl next door, Heather Langenkamp was not a classic beauty, but her fearlessness and wits used against Freddy made her sexy. She was Freddy's first formidable foe and her struggle couldn't help but make you feel protective. Look past the Robert Plant hair in Nightmare 3 and you've got yourself an unconventional horror babe.

5) Lisa Zane as Maggie (Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)
You don't need your 3D glasses to see what's exciting about Freddy's daughter Maggie. The idiotic final Freddy movie gave Krueger a daughter. Thankfully she was at least played by one of the most underrated babes of the era. Love that nose.

4) Stacey Alden as Nurse Marcie (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
Don't pretend you don't remember the nurse who peeled a layer in Joey's nightmare from heaven. However brief the part, the list wouldn't be honest without her.

3) Patricia Arquette as Kristen (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
It's not hard to understand why the male actors of Nightmare 3 had a crush on Patricia. Kristen Parker was adorable, adorable, adorable. I personally feel she deserved the Oscar for this instead of that overrated duck-shit Boyhood, or at least a Chainsaw award. Who's with me?

2) Jennifer Rubin as Taryn (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
Kristen may have had the sunny disposition, but Taryn was beautiful AND bad! I remember being 13 and being sent on a Jennifer Rubin kick from my massive Taryn boner.. er... crush. It's unfortunate that Rubin never did another film as good as Dream Warriors.

1) Lisa Wilcox as Alice (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 & 5)
Back in the day, I'd give her "anything, anything, anything, anything!" Honestly, who didn't fall in love with Alice, the beautiful wallflower who became a warrior? I still don't understand why Lisa Wilcox didn't become a major scream queen.

Honorable Mention: Roseanne Barr as Tom's Arnold's sweaty girlfriend

Friday, February 27, 2015

Fucking Google

Google won't ban blogs with adult content after all! It took a full three days to reverse everything they threatened you with. However, the service still sucks and the future of their neutrality could be in jeopardy.
It's confusing who is actually pro-net neutrality on the interwebs. Google used to make it clear that they were on the side of being neutrally fair, but lately hasn't been much of an activist. In fact, many have pointed out that Google has lately been quieter on the issue than ever before, even though the issue is bigger than ever before.
An attempt to reach across the aisles in recent years may be causing this. They've donated to Republicans like Republican Sen. James Inhofe and conservative organizations like the Federalist Society. They've also employed conservative lobbyists such as their VP of Public Policy & Government Affairs, who works directly with Google's Chief Legal Officer.
It's concerning because these are the conservatives that largely wish to undo the vote the FCC just took to implement new net neutrality rules.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

#Fake Lesbians: 3rd Edition

Welcome to the 3rd (annual?) fake lesbies, hosted by Mr. Xploit. Carson Daily couldn't be here because I tried to call his agent and the line has been disconnected by NBC.
First up, those feisty Frenchmen from "Blue is the Warmest Colour," Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux.
With all the contact they made in the film, could they be real lesbians?
It would seem so until...
Dammit! Oh wait, that's just their director, Barack Hussein Obama.
Juliette Binoche is in a new movie where she falls for Kristen Stewart. Surprise, it's French too! What a wonderful land. Free health care and lesbians as far as the voyeuristic eye can see! Perhaps Mr. Xploit was French in a previous blog.
On the other side of the world, let's see what Uncle Lloyd's got cooked up in Tromaville.
It's his latest opus, "Return to Nuke 'Em High." The new film is split into two freaky volumes.
Sundance this past year introduced us to "The Summer of Sangaile," about a young girl interested in flying, who meets another girl with a similar interest. The rest will be history once it's on Netflix.
Hashtag I've run out of pictures.