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Thursday, April 26, 2012

DVD Double Feature: Schoolgirls in Chains & Terror Circus


Schoolgirls in Chains (aka Abducted):

The movie starts off introducing us to a crazy family who is storing chained-up girls (that might possibly be enrolled in a school) in their basement. The evil family has a retarded hick that pops into frame with the worst-looking David Letterman teeth ever. The hick and his brother pick up a hitchhiker with a broken down car named Sue. And wouldn't cha know it? They kidnap her bra-lessness. Pretty soon she is in the company of some helpless girls that are momentarily educationally-impaired. In a basement! A basement I could've sworn was the attic in The Sinful Dwarf.
Hitch-hiker: Check!
Basement and/or attic of torture: Check!
Schoolgirls in chains: Errr, not exactly...
Perverted hick retard: Check!
Chase scene where an escaped captive is chased: Check!
Terrible camera work: Check!
Our heroine that could use some heroin gets acquainted with her new roommates. A poorly girl greets Sue with a generously whooping 'cough, cough.' At this point I believe it is usually customary for a schoolgirl in chains to reply, "Hello Cough Cough, my name is Sue." After she does get acquainted, she instantly escapes by tricking the retardo into playing hide and seek. And then she's brutally killed, of course. Within the first 20 minutes. Oh and did I mention that the brothers are under the instructions of their diabolical mother in a rocking chair? Just like in Mother's Day? The twist is established instantly because we never see her from the front. We just hear her voice when she talks to her sweet boys. Another woman eventually gets kidnapped and she's the one who frees them. You've seen this before and better. The sex/nudity is only in ugly rape scenes so look elsewhere for quality exploitation. The one stand-out that makes this movie funny is the bizarro soundtrack. A trumpet comes in during a completely unfitting scene, playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. You get the idea. If you don't, that's okay too.

Terror Circus (aka The Spiritual Sequel to Schoolgirls in Chains):

Yet another 70s horror movie, with unfitting poster art, that went by a bazillion titles. Despite its promotional images, it is the more tame of the two movies. It really has no onscreen gore or sex. Just a filmmaker and actors dancing around real exploitation. The plot involves PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN with a BROKEN DOWN CAR that HITCH A RIDE with a MALE CREEPER WITH BUSHIER HAIR ON HIS HEAD THAN HIS CROTCH.
It gives the viewer virtually no introduction to this dastardly villain. But that's okay, because honestly, do you wanna get to know this goof? As you guess by the title and his Austin Powers uniform, he FORCES THE CHAINED-UP GIRLS TO AMUSE HIM and perform in a circus. He's crazy and channels the retard from that last movie amazingly.
Then the big twist comes! Get ready people, it's a whopper! Don't say I didn't warn you about this spoiler!
The DELUDED PSYCHO with one-of-a-kind tricks up his polyester sleeves notices a psychical similarity between the main captive and his mother! So the obvious conclusion he comes to is that HIS CORPSE OF A MOTHER IS STILL ALIVE. She gains his trust and unleashes his chained-up monster father that comes out of nowhere. The monster takes issue with the boy in a rather hostile manner.

So there you have it. The MAMA'S BOYS COLLECTION from Code Red. It also contains trailers for other Code Red movies and two audio commentaries for Schoolgirls in Chains.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Best Buy Waves Good Buy


First video rental stores like Blockbuster and now the stores that sell videos. They seem to be on their way out and the landscape is looking like a brave new world. Yeah right, when pigs fly!
Oh damn.... well they asked for it if you ask me. Bad customer service like trying to cheat people and not honoring warranties, overstocking in Apple products, and downsizing their disc selection to make room for overpriced computers and Blu-Rays are just some of the reasons they caused their own demise.
In my town I used to turn to Suncoast for independent horror movies and other hard-to-find stuff. They took pride in stocking some things that catered to people like me and having a genuine atmosphere. Their tiny stores just couldn't compete with Best Buy though, so they went bankrupt. Then I turned to Best Buy and found they also made room for independent films like the vintage gold and vintage crap of EI Cinema. After exchanging some awkward looks with the cashier, my fifteen-year-old self walked out with a Betty Boop cartoon box set and a 2-disc copy of Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde. I ended up choosing that movie because of its classy title instead of the equally sleazy Filthy McNasty. Or its sequel entitled Filthy McNastiest.
I enjoyed the selection for about two years before they stopped carrying anything without the name Weinstein somewhere on it. Now the big daddies are going bankrupt. I'm always happy to see a rich corporation fall, especially when they get big enough to where they expose to everyone the contempt they have for their own customers. Look out for sales at your local stores!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Stuart Gordon: Exploitation Master


Of course he is much more than just that, as he has proved with his masterpiece The Black Cat which wasn't just trashy fun. But it is definitely an honor worthy of being atop his beautiful resume.
I just watched Dolls for the first time and thought I would pay a little tribute to the big master. If you haven't seen Dolls, you can catch it on Netflix Instant. It's worth it. It's definitely an unappreciated Gordon masterwork with some surprising humor, mainly at the end.
The following are the reasons I am in love with horror's demented Uncle Santa Claus:
Show the beautiful leading lady naked at an appropriate time when we've become smitten with her: Check!
Hit us with some intense gore and/or a grotesque monster when we least expect it: Check!
Afford great effects even on a meager budget: Check!
Infuse tongue-in-check and cathartic humor that's oh so black: Check!
Use Jeffrey Combs every different which-way you can: Check!
The reason we haven't seen a movie from him lately is because his play "Nevermore" is touring the country with Jeffrey Combs as Edgar Allen Poe. Gordon has come full circle, as he began his career in the theater. In his young days, he actually locked a crowd of one of his plays inside the theater to add to the terror. Let's hope he comes to a town near you! I guess I better act naughty in this case to get on his naughty and nice list.