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Monday, January 30, 2012

Top 10 Monsters Episodes

I've been re-watching Monsters for a while now to bring a competent list together of the best episodes for you fine people. And you fatties too. Monsters came from the same production company that brought us Tales from the Darkside, but overall it wasn't as creative of a show. Here are a good number of standouts from the hard-to-find TV show. I'll put a number 11 too. Sorry for the shitty pictures. They're from TV copies.

11) Far Below
 A segment written by the great genre scribe Michael McDowell who wrote some of the best Darkside episodes.

10) Rain Dance
An archaeologist needs to please his bored and greedy wife and his chance comes when he finds a valuable statue of a Rain God. But that God punished his people for being too greedy. Uh-oh. When the scary statue comes to life, will they be able to save themselves? Wadda you think? It's a horror show. This one totally hinges upon whether the monster is scary or not and it is, but the problem is they end up showing it a little too much. Still a keeper though. Plus the wife is fun to watch.

9) The Cocoon
Spoiler Alert! It's a (literally) dark episode about a mysterious woman in a hospital bed at the center of a love triangle. A psychic gets unnerving visions when she touches the lady and begins to suspect she may be much older than her youthful face would have you believe. It has a very unusual twist that catches you off-guard more than once. The creepiness ramps up when a hideous old lady with a boney face walks around that is so freaky she doesn't even require acting, and I'm not just talking about Billy Drago. Drago plays the lead sleaze-ball in this frightening one. You may remember Drago for playing the creepy-looking American tourist in Imprint or the creepy-looking gay rapist in Mysterious Skin or the creepy-looking interview guest calling himself "Billy Drago" on a late-night show. The Cocoon could've used a little more time to develop, but it's definitely one of the best.

8) Murray's Monster

Here we have a funny one. Not the only one on the list, but they were few. Character actor Joe Flaherty plays a resentful psychiatrist that comes up with a scheme to get his wife murdered by one of his patients. Marvin Kaplan does a great job playing his obsequious patient Murray Van Pelt, who is hiding a Mr. Hyde beast inside himself. The doctor's wife is an "obnoxious, overbearing loudmouth" according to his great delivery of the line and it's really the acting at the end of the day that holds this one so well together.

7) The Hole

Some of the best horror takes place in confined and inescapable places. Some say all those who enter war never really make it out. All that is pertinent here. The tale is The Hole and the place is Vietnam. The story begins in an enemy hole that a group of soldiers go down into. They soon receive a warning about being trapped down there by the dead that line the walls of the tunnels they crawl through. Will they make it out alive? It's frightening imagining being them and going through an underground maze that doubles as an endless graveyard.

6) The Demons

This is the other comedic one on this list. And it also stars a great character actor. Richard Moll from Night Court carries this one pretty much by himself in what is the hilarious highlight of the series. It's the silly story of an insurance salesman who is summoned by a demon to do the demon's bidding. The demon meant to summon his own demon creature, but made a mistake. It turns out the demon is the demonic counterpart of the insurance salesman. I won't say any more, just know the humor is very Simpsons-esque. At least the great ending is, that'll have you wondering: that's how it ended?

5) Mannikins of Horror
Mannikin: A small model of the human body, as used for teaching purposes in art, anatomy, etc. It is different from a mannequin... I think. Little clay men are what this one deals with anyway. It's hard to simply explain what this episode is about, but know it is one of the few genuinely freaky ones. It delves into body horror and has a gruesome ending that stretched the limit of what they could show. Although I'm not exactly sure where the line was really drawn because there is at least one episode that featured nudity. Odd.


4) Glim-Glim
Okay, I'll admit it. I cried. Not making the bald man cry, but actually real tears. It's one of the few sob stories of the series. Two men and one of the men's daughters are staying indoors with an alien after a disease apocalypse. They have separated themselves from the alien's area of the building, for fear it'll kill or contaminate them. They want to keep an eye on it and so does the alien Glim-Glim. It may have released what killed everyone when it arrived. Now it's dealing with the pain of possibly killing most humans and it is trying to keeping the survivors confined within a large bubble so they aren't exposed to the lethal contagion. Glim-Glim only can speak in his native alien tongue, so what must they think of him? Only the little girl, after venturing off on her own, interacts with it and realizes Glim-Glim isn't evil and misses his own world. They devise a plan to show the adults that Glim-Glim is their friend.

3) The Waiting Game
Characters are once again confined to a limited area like in The Hole. However, this time they're being kept safe from the danger of the world outside. Two high-ranking soldiers in charge of missiles are forced to play the waiting game. They are ordered to launch a nuclear attack. They think they just might have destroyed the world too, because all they can spot from inside their silo is nuclear winter. Hope comes to pass when they make contact with two other soldiers via radio frequency. One of them is a chick too. They try to learn what they can and stay sane by talking with each other. Things become interesting when they notice something or someone moving out in the ruins, deep in the darkness. It plays out like a really good modern-day Twilight Zone episode. One of the more horror Twilight Zones.

2) The Match Game
I'll be the first to admit that I was high as all get up when I re-watched this episode, but I'm pretty sure it was as good as I remembered. On your initial viewing you aren't expecting things to turn so dark, so quickly. I bet Tori Spelling was crushed they never called her back for another Monsters episode. Get it? If you don't, it's a spoiler so try not to get it. Get it? Anyway, the episode stars Ashley Laurence of Hellraiser fame. She looked her best in this era, although it's shocking how good she still looks. She plays a teenager that inadvertently helps summon a monster from a made-up legend, while having some innocent teenage fun with a book of matches. The dumb teens elaborate on his story so much that they find themselves having to end it before its protagonist mutilates them into strings of goo. It's a real 80s period piece and I love it.





1) The Bargain
Originally I chose The Match Game as my personal fave, but after viewing this one again, it is the clear choice. It's not a wholly original story, but it's just so fucking creepy. Sarah is the protagonist of this tale. Sarah doesn't get out much and she doesn't know how to communicate with a guy she is infatuated with. She blames his lack of interest on her looks because she has zero self-esteem. She runs a used book store and she comes across an ad offering to help her change the face she's stuck with. What follows has some very eerie sound effects and even more eerie visuals. On second thought, "eerie" is a massive understatement. The Bargain made me feel uncomfortable like no other episode and for that I reward it with my love and #1 spot.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

House of Blood (2006) Review


Warning, this review is better read by those who have seen the movie.

Where do I start with this one? House of Blood a.k.a. Chain Reaction kept surprising me. German make-up effect master and horror filmmaker Olaf Ittenbach made this a couple of years ago, so I expected a foreign horror gorefest. First of all, it's actually completely in English, the gore is nowhere as extreme as I expected and it actually kept me watching because of its story.
So four prisoners have just escaped a transport vehicle by it having an accident and giving them an opportunity to pounce. What are the odds of that happening? The prisoners question this, but it turns out the odds are quite good. The vehicle also collides with the car of a doctor. It's a good thing because one of the prisoners has been badly hurt in the ensuing firefight with the cops. They go on the run with the doc and end up at the worst house they could've possibly ended up at. Once again, what are the odds? Maybe not so low, once again.
I initially thought it was actually okay, despite the plot turns not making perfectly satisfying sense. Then I had to consult the internet to make some sense of this weird movie. Big mistake. Now I feel as though I am insane because I feel very different from every person giving their unwanted two cents on IMDB. I found it funny at several moments because it is darkly comic. The IMDB trolls say it is unintentionally funny. I really think you're missing the bizarre point and it's just meant to entertain. Also everyone who calls it the worst movie ever made cites the acting as its weakest point. I was actually pleasantly surprised by the acting. I think that was one of the things that carried it, although my view may be a bit skewed because I was just subjected to Eric Stanze's Deadwood Park which has some bad acting for the ages. Someone also mentions that they wish actor Paul Anderson (the standout) would stop trying to be Anthony Hopkins. He bares a resemblance to him but the character is really nothing like him.
My theory is that people are just extremely quick to attack anything that is straight-to-video and they don't put their mind into it because they're walking into it with an attitude. The average viewer would watch this because  they want to make fun of something or get their kicks and they feel they are supposed to have one certain, set in stone, opinion of it. They feel they are supposed to think one thing is great even though they have no reasons for it besides what Roger Ebert (or his head in a jar) has told them to believe. There's just no good reason anyone would genuinely think Sideways is a great or even decent movie.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. I felt extra protective of it because of the undeserving bashing it received, just like another horror movie called one of the worst: Five Across the Eyes. That movie is brilliant goddammit!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Room in Rome (2010) Review


Erotic Spanish movie Room in Rome stars Elena Anaya who played Antonio Banderas's woman in The Skin I Live In, and another ridiculously good-looking woman named Natasha Yarovenko who gets it on carpet-cleaner style.
So Natasha's creatively named character "Natasha" is at first reluctant to sex it up with Alba (played to perfection by Anaya) because she doesn't do that but she gives in because she has eyes in her head. I believe the exact words she uses to signify her change in mind are "would you like to see me naked?" And soon we are. As you can tell, this movie doesn't like its foreplay. It's almost disappointing. I mean don't get me wrong, these are some attractive lesbians, but I like my gay porn with a little more story first.
But it's not softcore because it has classical music blasting every 20 seconds, so it's "classy." They don't actually have sex that instant though. Alba wakes up to find Natasha gone. She murmurs, "I lose more lesbians that way." Not really, but she thought it. Then Natasha realizes she left her phone in Alba's room, so she goes back and then they do have ze sex.
And then there are moments involving teasing, telling each other about how they became women, singing into hairbrushes, lying, and the number 69. But here's the twist. It must've been much more fun to make than to watch because Elena Anaya is now involved with a woman for real!
I give it a 3 out of 5 because the two women do actually fall deeply in love in the end, and the last 15 minutes actually were quite touching in their sweetness even though the movie is one fluffer short of being a porn.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Insidious: That was it?

They said it was even better than James Wan's first film Saw! Some critic even moronically boasted, "The scariest movie since The Exorcist!" What? So there hasn't been a scary movie since the early seventies? And wait, The Exorcist wasn't even scary. Someone needs to shove a DVD of Session 9 down his throat.
This brat is stuck in a nether-world and he's being held there by spirits. The parents get a psychic involved and soon they are instructing him to follow their voices to escape. Horror doesn't get any more original. Oh wait, it's a rip-off of Poltergeist (sadly not the superior Poultrygeist), which is a rip-off of the Twilight Zone episode Little Girl Lost which is an adaptation of a Richard Matheson story from the 1950s.

But sexy Rose Byrne saves it at least right? No. They managed to make her look like crap and her acting actually kinda sucks. I think that is her "I'm not happy" face.

This is the demon. Big fucking deal. I spoiled it for you. Now you don't have to sit through it and miss details because you got bored and moved over to your laptop. They don't want to show you the whole make-up job because you'll realize he looks like you know who.

But he's not the only ghost/demon/spirit.
Twin girls at the end of a hall. Where have I seen dis before?

Oh well, I can always dream of the movie it should've been:

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Women Behind Horror

I've been meaning to do a post on women filmmakers in horror, because it's a growing trend.
Below is a video from a documentary horror series called Bloody Breasts. It's a panel of female horror filmmakers discussing their projects and being a woman making horror movies.
One of the most interesting things discussed, besides their films, is having to defend their work not to men but to other women. They say that men tend to be more supportive than the average woman. The panel video is broken up in several parts. That is only part one.

Former editor-in-chief of Rue Morgue magazine, Jovanka Vuckovic, has become a filmmaker. Below is her video diary on making her film The Captured Bird and struggling to do what she does.


French filmmaker Izabel Grondin has her own website where you can look at her work. It's called IzabelGrondin.com. Make sure you can have Google translate her page as it is in French. Here is one short film of hers.

Here is another interview with a female horror maestra. Mary Harron is most famous for directing American Psycho with the psychotic Christian Bale. As you can tell, she is extremely successful.

Here's a trailer for an indie feature made by Elza Kephart.

And of course who could forget Emily Hagins who made the zombie movie Pathogen at the age of 12. She was the subject of the documentary Zombie Girl: The Movie. You can find the review of that in my archives. Here she gets to screen her newer film The Retelling at the Alamo Drafthouse.