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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Exploitation Women Spotlight #5

Suzi Lorraine (a.k.a. Kelly Summers a.k.a. Suzi Leigh)

Suzi, Suzi, Suzi. Here's one b-movie starlet that actually has come a long way (no sarcasm, I swear). Watch out for her because she's hot right now instead of from some bygone era.

When she was younger, she started out showing her lovely body in any sleazy "film" that would have her. She was part of two different but related troupes of sleaze starlets in the early 2000s. Seduction Cinema employed her a handful of times as did WAVE Productions. You can watch her tits doing most of the acting in Spider Babe, Satan's School for Lust, and Lord of the G-Strings from Seduction Cinema during its heyday. WAVE is the much lower budgeted and fetish-based of the two. When I say they were fetish-based I mean it and the reason they were low-budget was because each VHS tape was independently financed by a customer who would put up the money and describe to WAVE just what they wanted in the video. The website would then make it using a select group of women and sell it for everyone to buy online. Apparently many people thought it was worth it to have a custom tape made for around $1000 each! You can actually still put up the money to make them bring your fetish to life and buy any video from their collection. I would bet money that it's mainly one or two guys keeping them in business. Looking through their catalog, it appears Suzi was strangled to death at least half a dozen times. She has also been employed more than once by king dirtbag Bill Zebub.

Suzi is the ultimate woman. She's a horror fan, she's funny, she has trained herself to become a talented actress (she sucked for a while), and she's one of the hottest women ever to walk the planet Earth. She also has a fear of cockroaches with mullets, which makes me love her deeply. Suzi is always super enthusiastic about promoting all of her work whenever any moron wants to interview her, and there are a lot of them.

She has now produced at least three films through making connections to others in the horror realm. She co-wrote the 2009 horror-comedy Won Ton Baby! which has received surprising praise. The amount of her movies in pre and post-production is mind-boggling. She has even been a contributor to horror magazines such as Germany's "Virus."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

More Fake Lesbians

Naomi Watts and Laura Harring from Mulholland Drive. We all remember the infamous relationship that we get to see grow, from the sexy mind of David Lynch. Does that sound too gay? Oh well, these two prove just how hot homosexuality can be. Damn fine pie.

Julianne Moore and Annette Bening play these two lesbos, but the only sex we are treated to is between Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. She must be used to some hairy-ass lesbians. Maybe the lesbians have a bear fetish too. *Shudder*

Lindsay: "Look how kewl I looks next to my DJ girlfriend! Come closer paparazzi, make sure you get my good side and my girlfriend's..... um, side. Make sure you get a kissing one too because I'm a total lezzer now. I don't need to see The L Word. I lived an episode."
Samantha: "She better eventually let me eat her out. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?"

And this writer puts the ass in assface. It's just a fucking game, and a PS1 game nonetheless. That's one small step above having a lesbo storyline in Pong.

Wow. They really put that in an ad. If I had understood what that meant as a kid when I read magazines with those ads, I probably would've experienced my first thirteen climaxes too.

She kissed a girl. Barbara?

That's more like it. Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. Mmmm, I'm picturing Buffy and Willow.

Of course there's this one. I believe I was in eighth grade when this stunt was pulled. It didn't even do anything for me back then.

One of the lesbian kisses that the bi-sexual Angelina Jolie enjoys in the HBO movie Gia. HBO sure loves its lesbians. It's the greatest ratings draw. I can't really think of an HBO show that never had lesbians.

Earnin' them premium cable paychecks one lick at a time. Jolie might have even enjoyed it and Elizabeth can just pretend it's a very aggressive lollipop.

Lesbians. Slightly less cool when they're dead. You're killin' me HBO!

Ah, Troma. Troma, Troma, Troma. A nice scene from Tromeo & Juliet with Debbie "I'll kiss a truckload of lesbians if that's what it takes to make a name for myself" Rochon.

Sandra Bullock having a senior moment and kissing Meryl Streep.
Bradley Cooper: "I have the weirdest boner right now."

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #7

Chillerama (2011)

This movie is supposed to be an ode and homage to the days of Drive-In B-movies. It does the opposite of what it intends. If the days of Drive-In movies were filled with movies like these, we would be glad this era is long gone. It's an anthology. Possibly the worst one I've ever seen. It makes the no-budget Grave Danger seem like a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects. But wait, a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects isn't a good thing? That's news to this film! Even if that does sound entertaining, trust me, it isn't.
If you enjoy this picture, this is the only real enjoyment you're going to get from Chillerama. The drawn-out wraparound segment is almost as awful as the werewolf segment. Everyone turns into horny zombies for no apparent reason and the teenagers in peril can't act for shit. The zombies are really what ruin things though. The zombies are mildly gray, kind of horny, covered with spots of glitter and their personalities are still in tact from when they were alive. They look ridiculous and couldn't be less scary or funny. My god, why oh why did they make these horrible decisions?! You really have to try to do this level of bad.
The first segment is the least awful. It is amusing for about 5 minutes. A man's sperm grows out of control and begins to eat people. This leaves the genius writers with too many opportunities for cum joke after sperm joke after ejaculation joke after wet spot joke. After solely caring about being on a murderous rampage, the sperm all of the sudden wants to have sex with The Statue of Liberty. A: Sperms don't actually have sex. B: Why the statue? C: The filmmaker clearly didn't have the budget for this so when the sperm gets too big it begins looking like a 3DS game.
The bottom line: These dickheads will leave a bad taste in your mouth. Hey that's a good sperm joke! Aren't I fucking clever? These motherfuckers are dead to me. Horror deserves far better than these pathetic, juvenile  amateurs. Kiss my ass you bitches. If I see you at a convention some day I'll use every muscle in my body not to kick your hack asses.