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Friday, August 26, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #6

Progeny (1998)

For any horror fans that have enjoyed the work of the writer/directors Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna and love the make-up effects of Screaming Mad George, don't see this. They were all obviously under the influence of something that made them suck at the time. Once again, this did not help the reputation of 1990s horror. It deals with alien babies and UFOs, but just look at the picture below! This cougar lady is abducted by a gang of Chuck-E-Cheese key chains. And the effects are made by the wonderful Mad George. He must've been getting tired of his job. I mean seriously, I've seen better looking blow-up dolls in my small town's pathetic Thanksgiving parade.
But think this "movie" has no stars? You're right. Although Brad Dourif appears as a hypnotist/UFO professor/not-leading-man-role because he's Brad Dourif. Seriously I could write up a whole column about Dourif and how he would've been taken more seriously if he'd decided on a life-career as a cashier at a truckstop Wendy's. But then I'd feel bad about writing such things because the truth is that he's quite the actor. Being cast in The Lord of the Rings and Deadwood (probably) wasn't a mistake.
Anyway, let me just drive home the point of how bad the movie is with one of my own screencaptures. Is that a word? Oh whatever, just stop reading and look below.
Rating: I give it 2 Brad Dourifs down.

Friday, August 19, 2011

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) Review

So Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) is a blossoming girl who is finally hot in high school. She goes to a party with her best friend Emmet and he tricks the cool guy at the party into jumping off the roof to impress Mandy. The idiot dies from the fall. But this is only the first atrocity because in the next five minutes they rape my favorite song. A muzak version of "Sister Golden Hair" is played in a car!
Mandy falls in with a cool crowd because they get a hard-on for her. If only they knew that Amber Heard is a lesbian too! If the movie was in 3D their boners would be assaulting you like someone slapping you in the face with french bread at Thanksgiving. They go to a ranch, then swim, then drink... where the fuck is this going? Right in the return envelope if we don't have some good gore soon. But then we do, right after we get our first "This isn't funny anymore" line. Then we go right to our first pube-cutting girl in a bathroom scene, er-what?
I must admit I turned it off for a good ten minutes and fast-forwarded when they did it to my Sister Golden Hair song again.
Things finally begin to look good when Mandy and her friend Chloe start touching one another. I was praying they'd be knee-deep in each other's vaginas the next time we cut to them, but of course it doesn't go that way. And when I say knee-deep I mean it! What can I say, I'm a fan of body horror! It turns out Emmet is stalking them and beginning to murder them. He kills some more of them and the hunky ranch-hand joins the teens to protect them.
It turns out that Mandy was in on the kills the whole time. She convinced him to kill for her and that they'll commit suicide together. She kills him and pretends to the ranch-hand that she 'dealt' with the killer (Emmet) as they get away. The ending really does turn the tables on everything we've seen before, from the looks on Mandy's face to her timidness to indulge in spirits with them. The ranch-hand tells her she is different when he begins to fall for her. She replies, "I am different." I'll say! Now I love Mandy Lane too!
Rating: 4 out of 5.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Minty the Assassin (2009) Review

It begins immersing us in its comic book world with the Wikipedia definition of Fanboy, which I found amusing. It's too bad that the rest of it isn't as amusing. There's a lot of bad acting, bad effects and bad humor that follows, as well as actresses portraying sex symbols that aren't attractive. Basically, this assassin/super hero named Minty is trying to rescue her mentor and she keeps coming across other super heroes. Fight sequences ensue where people rip their own clothes and say "Hey, that was my favorite shirt asshole!"
Minty also uses chocolate as a power-up. Her nemesis "Double Delicious," har-de-har-har, supplies her with some of it early on, which is explained later. The movie also occasionally changes to an animated video-game set to game music, for no real reason. After she fights a bunny in one such sequence, she encounters one especially obnoxious cowboy who drones on and on about human senses before being gutted. When she reaches the main bad guy, the mentor is dead. He reveals to Minty that this was all an attempt to live out his fanboy fantasy and see her totally naked. He doesn't however and neither do we, despite there being a sex scene with Double Delicious near the end. You see, Double Delicious was being controlled by the main bad guy. Who cares? Not I. Not you. No one.
So basically the whole point of this movie was to titillate and make you laugh, both of which it fails at. Hard. It's too bad too because the video-game structure and the music were both promising. The lead actress grows on you too, but fails to deliver the goods. Rating: 1 out of 5.
I wasn't gonna subject you to this guy, but then I thought no, if I had to suffer through it, so do you.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009) Review

A girl kills her parents in 1978, then we flash forward to her in a psychiatric hospital in 1989. She missed the entire Reagan era, how will she ever go on? She's then raped by a security guard and the next thing we know she is pregnant in the same hospital. Mary miscarries and decides to reek havoc. We're supposed to believe this 90-pound woman mutilates everyone in the hospital with her bare hands. Her stroke of good fortune continues when two stupid cops shoot her as she makes her way out of the hospital.
Flash forward again to stereotype teenagers celebrating "Blood Night." It's the anniversary of Mary's killings and death. They take a Ouija board to Mary's grave. Their sex and booze conversation that ensues at the graveyard provides the perfect opportunity to use that beautiful fast-forward button. I pressed play again when Bill Moseley rears his ugly head to warn the kids of the danger of using their Ouija board. He tells a ghost story, collects his meager paycheck and drives to the nearest Chiller convention. Not all in the movie, of course.
The kids have a party where Danielle Harris enters the picture and provides the movie with the rest of the publicity it needs to get an ad in Fangoria. Kids are killed having sex, everyone freaks and Moseley comes back to provide the kids with a safe haven in the form of a creepy van. Why would you trust the creeper waiting outside in the van? Oh well, I guess it's pointless to poke holes in this story. Mary Hatchet's naked ghost appears off in the distance with a carefully waxed landing strip. I'm glad the psycho chick had time to sculpt her pubic hair in the ward before she was shot to death.
Moseley provides such masterful dialogue as "Hey you," when he spots the ghost and "Dog dick," when he's outsmarted by a teen. In a final twist, it turns out that Mary's child was born and it's Danielle Harris. So she's the killer and it spends a good twenty minutes confirming it with flashbacks and further killings. We get it! And do you really care what happens in the end? Rating: 0.0 out of 5.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Curse of the Demon (1957) Review

This review is part of Forgotten Classics of Yesteryear's 50s Monster Mash Blogathon. I'm getting mine in a little late, as you can see that it officially ended yesterday.
Curse of the Demon was directed by the same guy who directed the old, less erotic version of The Cat People. I chose this one because it was on Fangoria Issue 300's list of the greatest horror films. This movie begins with an investigator being killed by a goofy demon, while he's investigating a Satanic cult. Dr. John Holden is sent in to replace the dead guy as lead investigator into a cult lead by Dr. Karswell. Of course an attractive female (Peggy Cummins) comes into the mix as Holden's companion.
The stakes become higher when Holden is warned by the evil guy that he'll die in three days because of a hex he puts on him. Several cliched moments were obviously scarier in their time, such as a seance, creeping around an old castle, dramatic weather changes, cats coming out of nowhere and people disappearing into the night. The scares and revelations also come with too much emphasis on sharp rises in musical score. It reminded me of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. "Then the Large Marge I was riding with must have been.... HER GHOST!" Although that scene was significantly scarier. And that was a COMEDY! There's a scene where Holden is stalked by a growing puff of smoke too. Now I know where that idiotic show Lost stole its smoke monster from.
Note to filmmakers: 15 twigs do not a forest make. On the up side, the acting is pretty good as is the case with most older movies. Anyway, the intensity rises as the curse is passed back to the evil Karswell and we are minutes away from the demon reappearing to inflict the curse. When it finally does, I have to admit that it worked for me. The demon chases him in the air, sweeps him up in his palm and kills him. The demon turns out to be much bigger than it seemed at first which actually makes it scary, with help from wonderfully subjective camera angles. All in all I give it a 3 out of 5.