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Monday, May 30, 2011

Exploitation Women Spotlight #3

Linnea Quigley (The Queen of the B's)

Linnea is actually still working today, a lot. She has celebrated the horror/exploitation/crap genres by greeting fans at conventions and doing tons of interviews. I don't know if she's genuinely a good actress or not, but she certainly has a lot more range than she is given credit for.

Covering her more famous roles, her most (in)famous was probably her role as the little naked punk chick in Return of the Living Dead. Most people found her nude scene incredibly hot here, but she looked a little too Astro-Boy for me. Funny film, either way.

Her second most famous was her, again freaky and nude, character in Night of the Demons. She became possessed and stuck lipstick in her nipple. I don't know. But it was relatively memorable.

She played an adorable deaf girl in Savage Streets opposite the not-so-adorable Linda Blair. Sorry if you find Linda Blair attractive, just her huge 80s hair in this movie made her look like Gene Simmons' effeminate brother. This was one of the Quigley performances that actually speaks to the argument that she really can act. She played Heather with such genuine innocence and charisma. But I actually hated this role of Quigley's because she ends up being brutally raped and beaten. It's like being given the cutest, (most arousing) teddy bear and then having its head ripped off right in front of you.

Also in the 1980s, she was one of the leads in Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, which as most people don't know and don't care was based on the famous horror short story The Monkey's Paw. Riiiiiight... Anyway, apparently the girls in this get spanked by a giant paddle in a sorority hazing. Now I've gotta see it.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is one with her that I saw years ago, but I don't remember her from. It totally sucked from what I remember, but after looking over parts of it again, she displayed great energy as usual.

And then of course is Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout, which was a comedic horror movie that poked fun at the sort of movies she has done throughout her career. It's great to see she has a real sense of humor about herself. Linnea also contributed scores to a couple of films, including the Horror Workout.

Her birthday was this past Friday. Happy belated birthday Ms. Quigley! You most definitely deserve a lifetime achievement award for b-horror.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Fake Lesbians

We wish they were real, but hey we'll take what we can get. Gawk at these photos of lesbians!

Lene Nystrøm's lesbian kiss with some chick caught off-guard. Hey at least one of them is into it. You might remember Lene from the Danish-Norwegian band Aqua.

Kate Graham and Allyson Sereboff of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Look at each other, not us! You're freakin' me out.

Real lesbians campaigning for fake lesbians! See, they like 'em too!

Misty Mundae & Julian Wells of a billion different movies. Softcore B-Movies were made for these two.

These two chicks from Loving Anabelle, a movie made by lesbians for lesbians (and perverts like us).
Aftersex from Loving Anabelle. Nice. The only thing better: Duringsex.

This is a DVD called Watching You: Intriguing Lesbian Short Films. That is all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta track this down.

Julianne Moore overselling a kiss with Amanda Seyfried in the movie Chloe. Moore always was the over-actor, but at least she's trying. It's the thought about the vagina that counts.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sarah Silverman bares all in Take This Waltz

Take This Waltz is a new dramedy from Sarah Polley that's reportedly "a bittersweet, funny and heart-wrenching story about a woman struggling to chose between two types of love." The film's headliners are Sarah Silverman, Seth Rogen and Michelle Williams. It has apparently just finished filming and is awaiting a release date.
It has been highly anticipated for quite some time now because of Sarah Silverman's nude scene. Sarah is an increasingly popular stand-up comic/actress/writer. She starred in her own TV show on Comedy Central called The Sarah Silverman Program and was briefly a castmember on Saturday Night Live in the early 90s. She says she bares all for Take This Waltz, which is interesting because it's made by a woman. That often seems to be the case, like when Sean Young finally showed it all in Lizzie Borden's 1992 movie Love Crimes.
Silverman got popular for a reason, she is not only hot but also really funny and edgy and topical and highly intelligent. In a campaign she called "The Great Schlep," Sarah urged young voters to go down to Florida and get their grandparents to vote for Barack Obama. She also had a great idea to sell The Vatican to feed the poor. I'm all for it! Sarah is known for being very candid and satirical. In her book about being a bed-wetter, she goes into great detail about things you might not even want to know about! But somehow Sarah makes it alluring.
Here's a great interview where she discusses her nudity in Take This Waltz.
The talented actress Michelle Williams is the main star of the film, and she also gets nude in it.
So watch out for this one and also take a look at Sarah Silverman's hilarious book if you get a chance.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) Review

It's an ei Independent Cinema production about lesbian vampires. A young girl, with the last name of Van Helsing, begins rounding up lesbians for Dracula so that she can kill Dracula while in the midst of cunnilingus. Bad jokes, laughable make-up jobs, and actresses breaking character ensue.
The movie stars Erika Smith as Van Helsing, Darian Cane as Dracula, Andrea Davis, AJ Khan, and a bunch of other women. There are many gorgeous things in this movie (not), and one gorgeous woman. Her name is Erika Smith. Does she get naked? No! She is under contract at the sleaziest softcore film company in the world and she doesn't get nude. Not only does she keep her clothes on, but she doesn't even indulge in the lesbian orgy at the climax of the film.
Apparently the budget for this film was $250,000. The only props are terrible make-up jobs, two fake gravestones, a computer graphic of a lesbian party sign, a coffin, and a diner that may or may not be real.
At least TRY to make a HALF decent movie if you have that kind of a budget. Give me the money! I'll make the kind of film you could only dream of making. I swear! Also I couldn't help but notice that this is the director's one and only credit on IMDB.

So in short, it's a total waste of a Friday night. Rating: 0.0 out of 5

Friday, May 20, 2011

Exploitation Women Spotlight #2

Gail Harris
Best known for:
"Sorority House Massacre II" (1990)
"Hard to Die" (1990)
"Cellblock Sisters" (1995)

Born in December of 1964, Gail Harris found a career as a young woman in modeling and film. Gail was one of the most memorable 1990s scream queens. She was truly a bombshell blonde, with a voice and a smile that really made her stand out from the crowd. The English actress was one of the many busty femme fatales Jim Wynorski constantly used in his horrible, but sometimes entertaining movies.
1990's Hard to Die brought itself some attention when it received the NC-17 rating that few films had.
Her softcore/horror career lasted a few more years but died off, for the most part, eventually. She was able, however, to rack up several producer credits along the way. Ms. Harris went by other names too like most of these actresses did. Robyn Harris was one of her pen-names and Gail Thackray was apparently her real name.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #3

Mother of Tears (2007)

To make matters worse, this movie was supposed to end Dario Argento's horror trilogy that included the great Italian films "Suspiria" and "Inferno." I mean seriously... what the fuck? By the time you see the Asian ghost mother wrestling the guy who's on fire, you'll be thinking the same thing. The effects are bad, the story is boring and Asia Argento is completely wasted. Maybe her and her father (Dario) actually were wasted and that's why this sucks such big ass.
Look at 'em. They're laughing at me. Laughing at all of us all the way to the Bank/Italian winery. I won't even give the film a rating! I laugh right back at you! I win!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Grindhouse DVD Trend

Following the release of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse, there was a resurgence of Grindhouse/Drive-In/Exploitation films on home video. It appeared at the time to be a quick cash-in on Grindhouse's (mild) success in the theater. DVD video companies started releasing a slew of 70s/80s smut movies, often as double-features. I got hooked on BCI's "Welcome to the Grindhouse" series of DVDs.  My absolute favorite is Malibu High/Trip with the Teacher, with The Beach Girls/Coach at a close second.
Their releases often had themes such as "black magic" or "school's in session" for the two films on the disc. They quickly discontinued this series, but replaced it with the extremely similar "Exploitation Cinema" double-feature DVDs.
Then came another similar DVD series called "Roger Corman Cult Classics." These are all either single, double or triple-features.

The website Mr. Skin has even gotten in on the action.
So basically this has resulted in a lot of really obscure exploitation films being released on DVD for the first time and being celebrated in an unabashed presentation.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Exploitation Women Spotlight #1

Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith
Best known for:
"Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural" (1973)
"Caged Heat" (1974)
"Cinderella" (1977)

Some might call her a tragic figure, others might call her a casualty of the streets of L.A. Cheryl started off playing an innocent child in "Lemora" and went on to have a sleazy softcore career. She battled with a heroin addiction that seemed to eventually destroy her. She spent time in actual prison after starring in the women in prison (WIP) flick "Caged Heat." It was because of her addiction that she was led down this dark road. Later in life, she was homeless and spent life in and out of shelters. Cheryl eventually died from hepatitis in 2002. There were many that knew her who spoke extremely kind words about her after her death.

The Catholic League of Decency did their best to ban "Lemora." As we all know, controversy is always good for our disrespected horror genre that often goes unnoticed.

The following is what Cheryl wrote in 1985, regarding her lead role in Cinderella and roles she never got to do, to Bill George of the discontinued website Red Hot Planet: "At first I was leary about doing a film w/ so much nudity. I did need work & I felt I needed a leading role. After reading the script--I reailized it if were to be an X it would probibly be the softest ever made. I found the script very funny & as light as a feather. So when I landed it i rode it through. I enjoyed working for my Italian friends the Bands. And worked for them again--starring in "Laserblast" and "Parasite" We've had discussions on ideas of my own for films and parts I personally would care to do. Hopefully in the future these things will come about. I love adventures, travel, comedy as well as Westerns (actually films about the west!). Cowgirl movies & rock-n-roll!"
R.I.P. 1957-2002

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #2

Last Lives (1997)
This craptacular piece of 90s “sci-fi” was about a bunch of guys (one or two from the future) trying to get some from Jennifer Rubin from what I remember. The two douche-faces in the poster are said horny bastards. You can tell everyone involved in Last Lives stopped trying after about 10 minutes.
When I watched it, many years ago, I was in a Jennifer Rubin-obsessed state. I had recently seen A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, so I had it bad for Jennifer and Patricia Arquette (who smartly ISN'T in this). I was on a total Jennifer Rubin kick, so naturally I rented this because it was listed on her IMDB credits. I didn't pay attention to the terribly low IMDB rating it had because I didn't trust those anyway... big mistake.

Reasons why it's so bad: Jennifer Rubin keeps all of her clothing on and oh yah, the movie's story will bore you to tears. Rating: 0 out of 5.
Poor Jennifer Rubin. Someday she'll make it out of the 90s.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #1

The Cheerleaders (1973)
This is the first in a series of Worst Movies Ever. The Cheerleaders... where should I start? Maybe I shouldn't. Alright fine, it's one of those X-rated softcore films of the 70s. It's about a virgin girl who wants to be a cheerleader and tries to lose her invisible chastity belt. There isn't actually an invisible belt, it was an expression. Mr. Xploit isn't very good at humor at 6:25 in the morning.

This is the virgin chick played by Stephanie Fondue, who has had (literally) no career since. It was her one role and she bares all for it. She is a terrible actress though, like everyone else in it. There's no better kinda movie to go full frontal and full  retard in than The Cheerleaders. Seriously though, even by X-rated softcore movie standards, this one is the worst there is. It doesn't serve any real entertaining purpose. Don't see it. Don't see it. Don't see it. Don't see it. Don't see it.
It would've been WAY better with the MST3K crew. 0.0 out of 5.