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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #7

Chillerama (2011)

This movie is supposed to be an ode and homage to the days of Drive-In B-movies. It does the opposite of what it intends. If the days of Drive-In movies were filled with movies like these, we would be glad this era is long gone. It's an anthology. Possibly the worst one I've ever seen. It makes the no-budget Grave Danger seem like a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects. But wait, a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects isn't a good thing? That's news to this film! Even if that does sound entertaining, trust me, it isn't.
If you enjoy this picture, this is the only real enjoyment you're going to get from Chillerama. The drawn-out wraparound segment is almost as awful as the werewolf segment. Everyone turns into horny zombies for no apparent reason and the teenagers in peril can't act for shit. The zombies are really what ruin things though. The zombies are mildly gray, kind of horny, covered with spots of glitter and their personalities are still in tact from when they were alive. They look ridiculous and couldn't be less scary or funny. My god, why oh why did they make these horrible decisions?! You really have to try to do this level of bad.
The first segment is the least awful. It is amusing for about 5 minutes. A man's sperm grows out of control and begins to eat people. This leaves the genius writers with too many opportunities for cum joke after sperm joke after ejaculation joke after wet spot joke. After solely caring about being on a murderous rampage, the sperm all of the sudden wants to have sex with The Statue of Liberty. A: Sperms don't actually have sex. B: Why the statue? C: The filmmaker clearly didn't have the budget for this so when the sperm gets too big it begins looking like a 3DS game.
The bottom line: These dickheads will leave a bad taste in your mouth. Hey that's a good sperm joke! Aren't I fucking clever? These motherfuckers are dead to me. Horror deserves far better than these pathetic, juvenile  amateurs. Kiss my ass you bitches. If I see you at a convention some day I'll use every muscle in my body not to kick your hack asses.

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