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Friday, November 18, 2011

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008) Review


Nice cover huh? Does the movie live up to it? Of course not! Is it worthwhile for the gore, humor or t&a? No, not that either. Read on if you have too much time on your hands and think you need to be persuaded not to see this movie.

At the end of the opening credits it says: "Written & Directed by: Who the Fuck Cares." Couldn't have said it better myself. And the movie continues with this good sense of humor until it gets lost in its own stupidity. That's what often happens with stupid people. But who cares about the humor? There's only one real reason you'd be watching this movie:
Or more specifically:
Rachael fucking Robbins.
I remember the first time I saw her way back in 2004 in Screaming Dead. She lit up every badly lit scene in that movie. I miss those horrible Shock-O-Rama movies.
Her and a bunch of other airheads are kinda sorta being stalked by a murderous undead chef. Although he kills them with a knife so it completely defeats the purpose of being a zombie...
Oh there you are again, you cheeky monkey. In this part of the movie the women dance while getting a car all soapy. So after we have our first stroke because of Rachael's body, then the men start dancing to impress the women! This is about the point in which it dawned on me, what in God's name am I watching?! Whatever it is, it's kind of awesome. Partly because it's funny so far and partly because Debbie Rochon's character is enjoying the women's bodies just as much as the viewer is.
Oh Debbie, you've come so far since the days of Tromeo & Juliet. Oh no wait... no you haven't. Speaking of Debbie Rochon, why is she channeling Al Swearengen from Deadwood in this role? Every other word is fuck and she gets off on abusing her whores. That would've been okay if she got in on some hot action, but that never happens because this movie never materializes. It's a bunch of hot bodies and ideas that never get off the ground.

I seriously thought I'd died and gone to hell after about the 2nd minute of a 5 minute bad dancing montage at a party. Everyone is fully clothed during this and it's mostly fat dudes dancing. It's just unbelievable how long it goes on. It's almost as if the "filmmakers" forgot they were making a movie and just left the cameras rolling at the lamest party ever.
Rating: 1, and/or I'm so very confused, out of 5.

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