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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009) Review

A girl kills her parents in 1978, then we flash forward to her in a psychiatric hospital in 1989. She missed the entire Reagan era, how will she ever go on? She's then raped by a security guard and the next thing we know she is pregnant in the same hospital. Mary miscarries and decides to reek havoc. We're supposed to believe this 90-pound woman mutilates everyone in the hospital with her bare hands. Her stroke of good fortune continues when two stupid cops shoot her as she makes her way out of the hospital.
Flash forward again to stereotype teenagers celebrating "Blood Night." It's the anniversary of Mary's killings and death. They take a Ouija board to Mary's grave. Their sex and booze conversation that ensues at the graveyard provides the perfect opportunity to use that beautiful fast-forward button. I pressed play again when Bill Moseley rears his ugly head to warn the kids of the danger of using their Ouija board. He tells a ghost story, collects his meager paycheck and drives to the nearest Chiller convention. Not all in the movie, of course.
The kids have a party where Danielle Harris enters the picture and provides the movie with the rest of the publicity it needs to get an ad in Fangoria. Kids are killed having sex, everyone freaks and Moseley comes back to provide the kids with a safe haven in the form of a creepy van. Why would you trust the creeper waiting outside in the van? Oh well, I guess it's pointless to poke holes in this story. Mary Hatchet's naked ghost appears off in the distance with a carefully waxed landing strip. I'm glad the psycho chick had time to sculpt her pubic hair in the ward before she was shot to death.
Moseley provides such masterful dialogue as "Hey you," when he spots the ghost and "Dog dick," when he's outsmarted by a teen. In a final twist, it turns out that Mary's child was born and it's Danielle Harris. So she's the killer and it spends a good twenty minutes confirming it with flashbacks and further killings. We get it! And do you really care what happens in the end? Rating: 0.0 out of 5.

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