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Friday, August 19, 2011

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) Review


So Mandy Lane (Amber Heard) is a blossoming girl who is finally hot in high school. She goes to a party with her best friend Emmet and he tricks the cool guy at the party into jumping off the roof to impress Mandy. The idiot dies from the fall. But this is only the first atrocity because in the next five minutes they rape my favorite song. A muzak version of "Sister Golden Hair" is played in a car!
Mandy falls in with a cool crowd because they get a hard-on for her. If only they knew that Amber Heard is a lesbian too! If the movie was in 3D their boners would be assaulting you like someone slapping you in the face with french bread at Thanksgiving. They go to a ranch, then swim, then drink... where the fuck is this going? Right in the return envelope if we don't have some good gore soon. But then we do, right after we get our first "This isn't funny anymore" line. Then we go right to our first pube-cutting girl in a bathroom scene, er-what?
I must admit I turned it off for a good ten minutes and fast-forwarded when they did it to my Sister Golden Hair song again.
Things finally begin to look good when Mandy and her friend Chloe start touching one another. I was praying they'd be knee-deep in each other's vaginas the next time we cut to them, but of course it doesn't go that way. And when I say knee-deep I mean it! What can I say, I'm a fan of body horror! It turns out Emmet is stalking them and beginning to murder them. He kills some more of them and the hunky ranch-hand joins the teens to protect them.
SPOILER ALERT*****
It turns out that Mandy was in on the kills the whole time. She convinced him to kill for her and that they'll commit suicide together. She kills him and pretends to the ranch-hand that she 'dealt' with the killer (Emmet) as they get away. The ending really does turn the tables on everything we've seen before, from the looks on Mandy's face to her timidness to indulge in spirits with them. The ranch-hand tells her she is different when he begins to fall for her. She replies, "I am different." I'll say! Now I love Mandy Lane too!
Rating: 4 out of 5.

3 comments:

  1. I enjoyed the film myself, especially the ever delicious Amber Heard. Best scene: When she removes her clothes and jumps in the lake. French bread indeed!

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  2. Perhaps I should make a list of top 10 french bread horror movie moments lol.

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  3. I'm really looking forward to seeing this. It's on my netflix queue and I keep hearing about it. Making me itch to finally see it.

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