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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Hard Rock Zombies (1984) Review


Well now.. Hard Rock Zombies.... riiiiight. I rented this from Netflix because it was listed on Cracked.com as one of the weirdest horror movies in existence.
It begins with a band of "Rock and Roll" (which hasn't been said since the 1970s) guys stopping in a Podunk hick town. The good ol' boys of the town don't want no god dang musichians around their parts, so they set out to kick them out. The band is also staying with a family of killers/werewolves/midgets in the town that secretly aim to kill them. They eventually do kill the guys of the band and the leader of the family turns out to be none other than Adolf Hitler.
The oddest and most uncomfortable part of the movie has nothing to do with that however. The band leader falls in love with a 12 year old girl in the town who ends up resurrecting them with a song that raises the dead. This romance, between the guy who looks like he is 40 and the little girl, is approached as sweet and completely normal, which is the real oddity of the film.
Anyway, the resurrected zombie band kills the family who are then Nazi zombies. Whoever they bite turns into a zombie and yadda yadda yadda.
It all results in a badly lit movie that isn't that funny or entertaining. It has some moderately good gore, but its pointless, ugly, incoherentness makes you reach for the fast forward button, or the R2 button on your PS3 controller in my case.

So that's it kiddies. No laughs, no tits, no worthwhile nastiness or well-drawn-out characters. In fact, there's a deformed dwarf that doesn't talk and adds less than nothing to the movie. He's like the Towelie of the movie, if you drew attention to the fact that he's the worst character ever, he'd respond "I know." And then admit, "I have no idea what's going on." Rating: 1 out of 5. One of the songs was kinda catchy.

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