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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #4

A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)

If this massive 1970s Jess Franco blunder doesn't have you laughing in the first ten minutes, these half-assed zombies must've taken your soul! That should've been the tagline for this movie. Trust me, the film does not live up to the images on the poster. It honestly plays like the most nudity-filled blooper reel you'll never want to see. The top positive review for this movie on IMDB states, "A dash of Franco, a generous helping of Rollin." That's like saying, "This masterpiece is a dash of vomit and a generous helping of cow asshole."
It's also called Christine, Princess of Eroticism. If she's the princess, then Uwe Boll's the King. And he's married to Queen Jess Franco on the royal island of Flaccid.

This gets an "Oh hell no" on a scale from "How did he manage to make this girl unsexy?" to "He's actually starting to make me detest the entire medium of film." Ya know while we're at it, let's throw in Franco's Mansion of the Living Dead too which takes place in a hotel, not a mansion. And he managed to not make a deserted hotel scary too! I hate you Mister Franco.
Don't look into its eyes! Or at its movies!

10 comments:

  1. There are only a couple of Jess Franco movies worth watching but unfortunately neither of those live up to expectations either.

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  2. Part of me wants to know what those are, but another part of me says just stay away.

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  3. this film is on my Netflix queue. I'm expecting it to be terrible but I'm going for it anyway. Sounds awful.

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  4. my goodness, this looks so terrible, I definitely must see it! :)

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  5. It was never intended to be a zombie film at all. Blame Eurocine for the misleading advertising. From what I can tell, it's supposed to be about a young woman's encounter with Death and her subsequent descent into the Underworld.

    I don't think it's THAT bad just very amateur. There are moments that I found really beautiful like the Queen of the Night as well as the setting in a lifeless valley. The English dub is atrocious but the French dub is a million times better.

    If you want to see some TRULY terrible Franco zombie films, watch Oasis of the Zombies and Zombie Lake. They are hi-lariously BAD!

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  6. You're a very forgiving individual. I don't think I could stomach those other Franco films, unless of course they have the lovely Lina Romay in them.

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  7. haha! Yeah, I'm practically tone-deaf when it comes to differentiating between good acting and bad acting! I blame that on being raised with movies like 'Batman and Robin' and 'Rumble in the Bronx'. Still, after watching a movie, I always try to look at it with the glass half-full.

    But yeah, with Franco, I would suggest watching the films he made in the 60s. They still don't make a lot of sense but are actually quite professional. Then sometime in the 70s, he forgot how to use a camera but still created some decent films. I haven't seen much of his 80s films because they truly do look terrible.

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  8. Batman and Robin, oh how I miss the clueless 90s. I'll take a shot at Franco's 60s movies, sometimes at least the actors like Romay make them worth watching.

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