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Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) Review

It's an ei Independent Cinema production about lesbian vampires. A young girl, with the last name of Van Helsing, begins rounding up lesbians for Dracula so that she can kill Dracula while in the midst of cunnilingus. Bad jokes, laughable make-up jobs, and actresses breaking character ensue.
The movie stars Erika Smith as Van Helsing, Darian Cane as Dracula, Andrea Davis, AJ Khan, and a bunch of other women. There are many gorgeous things in this movie (not), and one gorgeous woman. Her name is Erika Smith. Does she get naked? No! She is under contract at the sleaziest softcore film company in the world and she doesn't get nude. Not only does she keep her clothes on, but she doesn't even indulge in the lesbian orgy at the climax of the film.
Apparently the budget for this film was $250,000. The only props are terrible make-up jobs, two fake gravestones, a computer graphic of a lesbian party sign, a coffin, and a diner that may or may not be real.
At least TRY to make a HALF decent movie if you have that kind of a budget. Give me the money! I'll make the kind of film you could only dream of making. I swear! Also I couldn't help but notice that this is the director's one and only credit on IMDB.

So in short, it's a total waste of a Friday night. Rating: 0.0 out of 5

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