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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Exploitation Women Spotlight #5

Suzi Lorraine (a.k.a. Kelly Summers a.k.a. Suzi Leigh)

Suzi, Suzi, Suzi. Here's one b-movie starlet that actually has come a long way (no sarcasm, I swear). Watch out for her because she's hot right now instead of from some bygone era.

When she was younger, she started out showing her lovely body in any sleazy "film" that would have her. She was part of two different but related troupes of sleaze starlets in the early 2000s. Seduction Cinema employed her a handful of times as did WAVE Productions. You can watch her tits doing most of the acting in Spider Babe, Satan's School for Lust, and Lord of the G-Strings from Seduction Cinema during its heyday. WAVE is the much lower budgeted and fetish-based of the two. When I say they were fetish-based I mean it and the reason they were low-budget was because each VHS tape was independently financed by a customer who would put up the money and describe to WAVE just what they wanted in the video. The website would then make it using a select group of women and sell it for everyone to buy online. Apparently many people thought it was worth it to have a custom tape made for around $1000 each! You can actually still put up the money to make them bring your fetish to life and buy any video from their collection. I would bet money that it's mainly one or two guys keeping them in business. Looking through their catalog, it appears Suzi was strangled to death at least half a dozen times. She has also been employed more than once by king dirtbag Bill Zebub.

Suzi is the ultimate woman. She's a horror fan, she's funny, she has trained herself to become a talented actress (she sucked for a while), and she's one of the hottest women ever to walk the planet Earth. She also has a fear of cockroaches with mullets, which makes me love her deeply. Suzi is always super enthusiastic about promoting all of her work whenever any moron wants to interview her, and there are a lot of them.

She has now produced at least three films through making connections to others in the horror realm. She co-wrote the 2009 horror-comedy Won Ton Baby! which has received surprising praise. The amount of her movies in pre and post-production is mind-boggling. She has even been a contributor to horror magazines such as Germany's "Virus."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

More Fake Lesbians

Naomi Watts and Laura Harring from Mulholland Drive. We all remember the infamous relationship that we get to see grow, from the sexy mind of David Lynch. Does that sound too gay? Oh well, these two prove just how hot homosexuality can be. Damn fine pie.

Julianne Moore and Annette Bening play these two lesbos, but the only sex we are treated to is between Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. She must be used to some hairy-ass lesbians. Maybe the lesbians have a bear fetish too. *Shudder*

Lindsay: "Look how kewl I looks next to my DJ girlfriend! Come closer paparazzi, make sure you get my good side and my girlfriend's..... um, side. Make sure you get a kissing one too because I'm a total lezzer now. I don't need to see The L Word. I lived an episode."
Samantha: "She better eventually let me eat her out. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?"

And this writer puts the ass in assface. It's just a fucking game, and a PS1 game nonetheless. That's one small step above having a lesbo storyline in Pong.

Wow. They really put that in an ad. If I had understood what that meant as a kid when I read magazines with those ads, I probably would've experienced my first thirteen climaxes too.

She kissed a girl. Barbara?

That's more like it. Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. Mmmm, I'm picturing Buffy and Willow.

Of course there's this one. I believe I was in eighth grade when this stunt was pulled. It didn't even do anything for me back then.

One of the lesbian kisses that the bi-sexual Angelina Jolie enjoys in the HBO movie Gia. HBO sure loves its lesbians. It's the greatest ratings draw. I can't really think of an HBO show that never had lesbians.

Earnin' them premium cable paychecks one lick at a time. Jolie might have even enjoyed it and Elizabeth can just pretend it's a very aggressive lollipop.

Lesbians. Slightly less cool when they're dead. You're killin' me HBO!

Ah, Troma. Troma, Troma, Troma. A nice scene from Tromeo & Juliet with Debbie "I'll kiss a truckload of lesbians if that's what it takes to make a name for myself" Rochon.

Sandra Bullock having a senior moment and kissing Meryl Streep.
Bradley Cooper: "I have the weirdest boner right now."

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Worst Movies Ever #7

Chillerama (2011)

This movie is supposed to be an ode and homage to the days of Drive-In B-movies. It does the opposite of what it intends. If the days of Drive-In movies were filled with movies like these, we would be glad this era is long gone. It's an anthology. Possibly the worst one I've ever seen. It makes the no-budget Grave Danger seem like a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects. But wait, a partially musical, terribly acted, fatty-filled, gay werewolf short film with no real make-up effects isn't a good thing? That's news to this film! Even if that does sound entertaining, trust me, it isn't.
If you enjoy this picture, this is the only real enjoyment you're going to get from Chillerama. The drawn-out wraparound segment is almost as awful as the werewolf segment. Everyone turns into horny zombies for no apparent reason and the teenagers in peril can't act for shit. The zombies are really what ruin things though. The zombies are mildly gray, kind of horny, covered with spots of glitter and their personalities are still in tact from when they were alive. They look ridiculous and couldn't be less scary or funny. My god, why oh why did they make these horrible decisions?! You really have to try to do this level of bad.
The first segment is the least awful. It is amusing for about 5 minutes. A man's sperm grows out of control and begins to eat people. This leaves the genius writers with too many opportunities for cum joke after sperm joke after ejaculation joke after wet spot joke. After solely caring about being on a murderous rampage, the sperm all of the sudden wants to have sex with The Statue of Liberty. A: Sperms don't actually have sex. B: Why the statue? C: The filmmaker clearly didn't have the budget for this so when the sperm gets too big it begins looking like a 3DS game.
The bottom line: These dickheads will leave a bad taste in your mouth. Hey that's a good sperm joke! Aren't I fucking clever? These motherfuckers are dead to me. Horror deserves far better than these pathetic, juvenile  amateurs. Kiss my ass you bitches. If I see you at a convention some day I'll use every muscle in my body not to kick your hack asses.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Top 10 Tales from the Crypt Episodes

10) Four-Sided Triangle
Patricia Arquette plays Mary Jo, a mentally challenged young woman that's being blackmailed by an old couple into working at their farm while they let her live there. The problem is that the old man is a creeper that wants Mary Jo in the sack. The old woman is suspicious of his intentions, while Mary Jo falls in love with a scarecrow in the cornfield that she believes is alive. Things aren't exactly as they seem in this cleverly ambiguous episode. Mary Jo's midnight rendezvous provide good atmosphere in this tale that keeps you guessing and Arquette is always a pleasure to watch.

9) Mournin' Mess
A sleazy reporter looks into an odd homeless society that centers around a graveyard. A solid performance by Steven Weber keeps you invested in the mystery of the homeless serial killer and the Grateful Homeless Society. The reveal of what's really going on is actually a wee bit scary, which is something Tales was always lacking in. Look for it in the very hit or miss third season.

8) Cutting Cards

Short but sweet episode starring Lance Henriksen and Kevin Tighe as two high-rolling rival gamblers. They want each other out of town for good, so they play a little Russian Roulette, which leads to an innocent game of chop poker! What is chop poker? For every hand lost, they lose a finger! The insane hatred between the two characters fuels the sociopathic and masochistic energy. Not to be missed!

7) Yellow
Robert Zemeckis directed this WWI episode starring Kirk Douglas, Dan Aykroyd and Lance Henriksen once again! Kirk plays a military general whose son is a lieutenant accused of being 'yellow' or a coward. What's a proud general who's fixated on his reputation to do? How far will his punishing of his son go? The high suspense of the last five minutes will keep you on the edge of your seat. This episode is also of note for being longer than the other episodes of Tales from the Crypt. The 39 minute runtime pays off as Yellow has classier character development than your average episode.

6) People Who Live in Brass Hearses
A seething ex-con (Bill Paxton) plans a robbery to get back at a former employer. Brad Dourif plays his retarded brother that aims to help him, but just might fuck things up in the process. Great actors do wonders for stories about relationships and there's no exception here. Things don't go as planned at the ice cream warehouse they try to heist. Blood begins being spilled as the brothers scramble for stolen cash any way they can. The brothers soon get in over their heads and pay the price for a sibling scorned.

5) Split Personality
Essential viewing for any fan of Joe Pesci. He is in top form as a con-artist who tries to con two sexy twins and gets more than he bargained for. There's a twist that culminates in one of the more gruesome Tales deaths and the ride getting there is hilarious and deserving of multiple watches.

4) The Man Who Was Death
William Sadler carries this one all by himself. A prison executioner is fired when capital punishment is outlawed, so he takes the law into his own bloody hands. Is he a hero ridding the world of scum or one of them? Watch it for perhaps the greatest performance and comeuppance of any Tales from the Crypt episode.

3) Showdown
A treatise on the afterlife that happens to take place in the deadly old west. This ghostly tale is expertly penned by master filmmaker Frank Darabont of The Shawshank Redemption and The Mist fame. A man who knows how to escape death, like few do, learns to accept his fate. The four horsemen are always clomping their way closer and closer to each of us everyday, and maybe that's not such a scary thing after all. Showdown smartly turns the tables on the viewer. Just when we think this foreboding episode is about one thing, it's about another. It's not about gore or a bastard getting what he deserves, for once.

2) Split Second
This Tales is the greatest kind of guilty pleasure. Jealousy, revenge, gore, adultery and Michelle Johnson are red hot in an episode that indulges the way more episodes should have. An ex-hooker craves adventure, no matter who she has to use along the way. This one doesn't end well for her and her jealous, psychopathic new husband Dixon. It was hard not choosing this as the absolute best episode. You owe to yourself to see it if you really are a fan of exploitation.

1) Maniac at Large
So this might not be the one most would choose, but the ramping up paranoia, the score and most importantly the twist are all perfect if you ask moi. If you see the twist coming, I feel sorry for you, but it's still enjoyable after knowing it because it's just so damn scary. This is really the only episode in the entire series that I'd say actually scared me. Just when you least expect it, one seemingly harmless character becomes terrifying. That's what this episode does so well! In a genre where you are trained to suspect everybody, catching the viewer off-guard is truly a tough feat. Even most full-length movies can't do it. As Jim Morrison said, "There's a killer on the road. His brain is squirming like a toad." But whose brain is the most dangerous? It's a pleasure to have  my brain toyed with by "The Manchurian Candidate" and "Birdman of Alcatraz" director John Frankenheimer, in this fourth season standout.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008) Review

Nice cover huh? Does the movie live up to it? Of course not! Is it worthwhile for the gore, humor or t&a? No, not that either. Read on if you have too much time on your hands and think you need to be persuaded not to see this movie.

At the end of the opening credits it says: "Written & Directed by: Who the Fuck Cares." Couldn't have said it better myself. And the movie continues with this good sense of humor until it gets lost in its own stupidity. That's what often happens with stupid people. But who cares about the humor? There's only one real reason you'd be watching this movie:
Or more specifically:
Rachael fucking Robbins.
I remember the first time I saw her way back in 2004 in Screaming Dead. She lit up every badly lit scene in that movie. I miss those horrible Shock-O-Rama movies.
Her and a bunch of other airheads are kinda sorta being stalked by a murderous undead chef. Although he kills them with a knife so it completely defeats the purpose of being a zombie...
Oh there you are again, you cheeky monkey. In this part of the movie the women dance while getting a car all soapy. So after we have our first stroke because of Rachael's body, then the men start dancing to impress the women! This is about the point in which it dawned on me, what in God's name am I watching?! Whatever it is, it's kind of awesome. Partly because it's funny so far and partly because Debbie Rochon's character is enjoying the women's bodies just as much as the viewer is.
Oh Debbie, you've come so far since the days of Tromeo & Juliet. Oh no wait... no you haven't. Speaking of Debbie Rochon, why is she channeling Al Swearengen from Deadwood in this role? Every other word is fuck and she gets off on abusing her whores. That would've been okay if she got in on some hot action, but that never happens because this movie never materializes. It's a bunch of hot bodies and ideas that never get off the ground.

I seriously thought I'd died and gone to hell after about the 2nd minute of a 5 minute bad dancing montage at a party. Everyone is fully clothed during this and it's mostly fat dudes dancing. It's just unbelievable how long it goes on. It's almost as if the "filmmakers" forgot they were making a movie and just left the cameras rolling at the lamest party ever.
Rating: 1, and/or I'm so very confused, out of 5.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Zombie Girl: The Movie (2009) Review

Having seen several advertisements in Fangoria for this movie alongside super low-budget horror flicks, I thought this was a shitty horror film about a little girl directing a zombie movie. Mildly interesting premise, but I'll pass. 
Flash forward to 2 years later: I'm stumbling upon Hisayasu Sato's Japanese horror movie The Bedroom on Youtube. But it's not a clip, it's the ENTIRE MOVIE for free! So it turns out MVDfilm's Channel on Youtube has tons of obscure movies in their full versions. I advise everyone reading this to check out that channel now! So one of these movies on the channel is Zombie Girl: The Movie and the description says it is a funny, tender documentary that follows 12-year-old Emily Hagins and her family on her first feature film.
In the documentary, Emily has just written a feature film screenplay about zombies and has begun to cast and actually shoot it. She uses a small, home-video camera to record her actors (some adult, some children). Her mom and dad help her by filling out paperwork, recording sound with a makeshift boom mic, driving actors to and from set, and slating the various scenes. Her mother does everything she can to support her daughter's dream, which also includes constructing make-up effects which the mom is actually not bad at. It is actually amazing how supportive the parents are and how the mother goes out of her way to make the film work even though she has an actual job. Emily's movie is pretty damn violent too! It's titled Pathogen and it ends up coming together astonishingly well for a movie made by a middle-school kid.
Zombie Girl chronicles how Emily has always been fascinated with movies since as early as her parents can remember. Her parents see big things in her future, which ultimately drives the marketing success of her zombie extravaganza. It's not a perfectly well-rounded documentary though. We get to view the mother becoming a little tired and frustrated at one point in the production, but it would've done well for the movie to document more of the conflicts brought on by halts in production and so forth. Emily herself should've been interviewed more too. I would've liked to have known what inspired her specific script, besides a crush on a movie called Undead. What internally drove her to keep trying? Also, an instant messaging relationship with someone online late at night was briefly mentioned by her mother, but it's never delved deeper into.
Once Emily sells out a screening of her movie at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, you can't help but be floored by what she has accomplished just after her 13th birthday. And she has made two more features since. I have to go reexamine my life. Rating: 4 out of 5.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Laboratory of the Devil (1992) Review

I had purchased this movie on VHS a while ago because it was included in a high spot on Tim Wambolt's list of most violent/goriest movies. It's badly dubbed, so it hurts the viewing experience a little, but it's still very easy to follow. At least it's in English, as opposed to copies of Muzan E and other underground fare. Anyway, I finally watched it, over about five viewing sessions, so let's begin.
The film is a pseudo-sequel to Men Behind the Sun. Many of the great extreme Japanese films concerned the torture/research camp Unit 731 that conducted the meanest, most painfully lethal and effective biological experiments in WWII. The movie's tacked-on story-line is of a solider sent to work at the unit and not being able to take what it entails. Laboratory of the Devil is a little too talky and the dialogue doesn't feel authentic enough. The hammy acting doesn't help either. It's too bad because the subject matter deserves much better. When the experiments begin, there are one or two moderately impressive effects. That's really the only reason this movie exists.
The sets also don't seem to have the least bit of authenticity either. Close-up camera angles try to hide the fact that the medical facility only appears to be small white rooms with meager character and hardly any set decoration.

These were my thoughts up until about the 55 minute mark. Then things just become hilarious for all the wrong reasons. A commander gets mad at a soldier for sending a letter to his girlfriend and he bitch-slaps him and his friend nonstop about 30 times with the worst slapping sound effect ever. This scene rivals the infamous Troll 2, "They're eating her," scene for being so brainless that it's almost enjoyable. Almost enjoyable, mind you. And it only gets worse from there. The effects become far less impressive, the story bores you to tears and most of it is devoid of all gore. See Philosophy of a Knife instead.
Rating: 1 out of 5.