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Sunday, May 24, 2015

Needs a Remake: Nightwish (1989)


A group of grad students and their strange professor take a trip to a remote cabin to document... er-herm... "paranormal activity." Things get scary, hallucinatory and a little erotic. But wait! The increasingly weird outing is actually within a dream-research experiment. It becomes a creepy, shared nightmare and their guide becomes less trustworthy. Original concept + small budget= Ripe remake
The through storyline is eventually too hard to follow and the acting isn't great, but the ideas are horror movie gold. Its neat ending is very memorable and it has an attractive young cast. Look for it on home video cassette, or I guess torrents? Otherwise you're fucked.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

RANT Review: Bleeding Hearts (2015)

UGH. Fuck you Robert Loggia. Fuck you Dustin Diamond. And fuck. You indie exploitation filmmakers. Both of those actors are actually in this no-budget, no-effort movie and they're the reason I watched it.
I lied. I clearly watched it for actresses Seregon O'Dassey and Suzi Lorraine.
HERE'S MY BEEF: Why oh why can't an exploitative indie horror mess that gives us the sleazy goods be technically well made? It's truly not hard! I took film courses in school, but you don't have to to make something that's well plotted, well photographed, interesting and most of all: passionate! Just because you have a little budget doesn't mean it has to be this amateur hour bullhockey. I'm speaking of indie exploitation. Indie horror, on the other hand, does it well all the time. Just look at the genius of 2011's Absentia which had a $70,000 budget.
On IMDB it lists this movie's budget as $1.2 million. That is not Japanese Yen. The only explanation is that it went towards paying Robert Loggia and the heroin Dustin Diamond injects in his taint.
And the humor... don't even get me started on the humor.
In short, I'm furious about what movies like this could be. And fuck you Tony Todd.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Top 10 Elm Street Hotties


10) Tuesday Knight as Kristen (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4)
I'll always hold a grudge against Tuesday Knight for not being Patricia Arquette, but realistically, most women aren't. For this, I hold a grudge against genetics. Despite her inferior Kristen, Tuesday brought her own vulnerability and looks to the titular blonde.

9) Amanda Wyss as Tina (A Nightmare on Elm Street 1)
One of the most memorable kills of the series. I wouldn't have worked if it hadn't been such a cute actress clawing her away across the ceiling, while being torn up by Freddy. Everybody remembers the image of a petite blonde in nothing but a button-up shirt.

8) Kim Myers as Lisa (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2)
Jerry Seinfeld may not have been gaga, but you can't help being charmed by the sweetness of this young Meryl Streep look-a-like in the first sequel of the series.
The two of them were also in two of gayest movies of all time, Mamma Mia and A Nightmare Elm Street 2: Freddy's Back and Fabulous!

7) Monica Keena as Lori (Freddy vs. Jason)
Not a Nightmare movie, but I had to include Freddy Vs. Jason's final girl because it's goddamn Monica Keena. She couldn't save the movie but made it slightly more bearable.

6) Heather Langenkamp as Nancy (A Nightmare on Elm Street 1 & 3)
The original girl next door, Heather Langenkamp was not a classic beauty, but her fearlessness and wits used against Freddy made her sexy. She was Freddy's first formidable foe and her struggle couldn't help but make you feel protective. Look past the Robert Plant hair in Nightmare 3 and you've got yourself an unconventional horror babe.

5) Lisa Zane as Maggie (Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)
You don't need your 3D glasses to see what's exciting about Freddy's daughter Maggie. The idiotic final Freddy movie gave Krueger a daughter. Thankfully she was at least played by one of the most underrated babes of the era. Love that nose.

4) Stacey Alden as Nurse Marcie (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
Don't pretend you don't remember the nurse who peeled a layer in Joey's nightmare from heaven. However brief the part, the list wouldn't be honest without her.

3) Patricia Arquette as Kristen (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
It's not hard to understand why the male actors of Nightmare 3 had a crush on Patricia. Kristen Parker was adorable, adorable, adorable. I personally feel she deserved the Oscar for this instead of that overrated duck-shit Boyhood, or at least a Chainsaw award. Who's with me?

2) Jennifer Rubin as Taryn (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3)
Kristen may have had the sunny disposition, but Taryn was beautiful AND bad! I remember being 13 and being sent on a Jennifer Rubin kick from my massive Taryn boner.. er... crush. It's unfortunate that Rubin never did another film as good as Dream Warriors.

1) Lisa Wilcox as Alice (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 & 5)
Back in the day, I'd give her "anything, anything, anything, anything!" Honestly, who didn't fall in love with Alice, the beautiful wallflower who became a warrior? I still don't understand why Lisa Wilcox didn't become a major scream queen.

Honorable Mention: Roseanne Barr as Tom's Arnold's sweaty girlfriend

Friday, February 27, 2015

Fucking Google


Google won't ban blogs with adult content after all! It took a full three days to reverse everything they threatened you with. However, the service still sucks and the future of their neutrality could be in jeopardy.
It's confusing who is actually pro-net neutrality on the interwebs. Google used to make it clear that they were on the side of being neutrally fair, but lately hasn't been much of an activist. In fact, many have pointed out that Google has lately been quieter on the issue than ever before, even though the issue is bigger than ever before.
An attempt to reach across the aisles in recent years may be causing this. They've donated to Republicans like Republican Sen. James Inhofe and conservative organizations like the Federalist Society. They've also employed conservative lobbyists such as their VP of Public Policy & Government Affairs, who works directly with Google's Chief Legal Officer.
It's concerning because these are the conservatives that largely wish to undo the vote the FCC just took to implement new net neutrality rules.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

#Fake Lesbians: 3rd Edition

Welcome to the 3rd (annual?) fake lesbies, hosted by Mr. Xploit. Carson Daily couldn't be here because I tried to call his agent and the line has been disconnected by NBC.
First up, those feisty Frenchmen from "Blue is the Warmest Colour," Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux.
With all the contact they made in the film, could they be real lesbians?
It would seem so until...
Dammit! Oh wait, that's just their director, Barack Hussein Obama.
Juliette Binoche is in a new movie where she falls for Kristen Stewart. Surprise, it's French too! What a wonderful land. Free health care and lesbians as far as the voyeuristic eye can see! Perhaps Mr. Xploit was French in a previous blog.
On the other side of the world, let's see what Uncle Lloyd's got cooked up in Tromaville.
It's his latest opus, "Return to Nuke 'Em High." The new film is split into two freaky volumes.
Sundance this past year introduced us to "The Summer of Sangaile," about a young girl interested in flying who meets another girl with a similar interest. The rest will be history once it's on Netflix.
Hashtag I've run out of pictures.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Cycle (2014) Short Film Review


Greetings, filthy pond-scum! Roger Ebert once said the most important thing that a critic can do is not to write a flowery essay, but instead to have a unique voice. And of course, Mr. Xploit never blindly writes a good or bad review! I won't jerk anyone else off.
I invoked Ebert because the one review I found of this film was the most laughably biased essay you can imagine. Their head was so far up the filmmaker's ass, they could easily be mistaken for a rectal polyp. "It is a good film that succeeds due to focusing on the human condition," it read.
It's a twist-oriented short about a violent cycle of events involving a mysterious dealer and a domestic disturbance. However, what's a real mystery about the film is that the "cycle" isn't fully explained. I'm guessing the unfinished plot is meant to be continued in some manner because there's a villain that's clearly motivated, but we aren't told what the motivation is. If there was more backstory, it would've gone toward making the audience care about the characters. I kept waiting for a backstory about a sleazy murder, a sleazy stripper, or perhaps a sleazy blogger that's self-loathing, self-referential and obsessed with self-hyphenating.
But if the brisk film is just a tonal prelude to something bigger, it does a good job of building tension over a mere two and a half minutes, sans credits. It has brief flashback shots, helping to move things along and building the tension. Because of its running time, saying much more would be a spoiler. All in all, it wasn't boring and it's slickly shot too. I understand the filmmaker has some full features in the works and a new voice is always enticing.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Horror Short "Treevenge"


Check out this great, comedic Christmas horror short film from 2008 by director Jason Eisner! The ending will make you laugh out loud, guaranteed.