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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

"The Autopsy of Jane Doe" Makes No Sense

The Autopsy of Jane Doe is a movie with a lot of promise. The first half of the movie is quite compelling and atmospheric. ALERT: SPOILERS. If you don't want it spoiled for you, you should, because it sucks. These are the reasons why:
1) All of the tense, mysterious buildup creates goodwill with the viewer, which is thrown out the window when things become overtly supernatural in the second half. And it's not even good supernatural. In fact, the average episode of CW's Supernatural is scarier.
2) The first half sets up the promise of explanation later on. However, when the explanation rolls out, it makes no sense. Jane is a witch? So, why did she kill the girlfriend and why didn't she really use that illusion power to her advantage? What did she glean from freaking out the father and son, not actually getting them hurt, all the while letting them dissect and burn her? When she finally does hurt the dad, why do her eyes un-cloud only to become cloudy again? I thought for sure she was transferring her paralysis to the dad by hypnotizing, but nope. And why was her ability to mark skin only used on the father? In general, why doesn't she use whatever powers she has to her advantage in smarter ways? Is the singing voice someone controlling the whole situation from the outside? If so, who and why?
3) I like Emile Hirsch and Brian Cox, but their acting is surprisingly spotty. They don't seem very freaked out when the undead begin pursuing them. Shock, disbelief, and many uses of "what the fuck is happening," would be appropriate responses. Although, I suppose this once again is mostly a bad writing issue.
Sorry if you liked it, but raise your standards. Scary horror should be scary. Horror that sets up rules needs to stick by them and make some kind of sense.  The audience isn't all stupid.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Free Horror Movie on JoBlo Nov. 3

I can't promise it's great, but a new horror movie is premiering on JoBlo's Youtube channel and it stars the cute chick from Contracted, which is on Netflix. From Nov. 3 - 13, Wolf Mother will be available to stream on the Youtube channel. Check out the trailer below.

Monday, August 1, 2016

We Are the Flesh (2016): Extreme Horror Alert

Check out the trailer for this new extreme Mexican import that takes places in a post-apocalypse world where two teens find their way into a hellworld. Is this 2016's horror movie? Everybody's talkin' about it!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

10 Greatest Forced to Strip Scenes

Let me preface by saying, these scenes are the sole reason I am Mr. Xploit. If not for these 10 scenes, I could've had class, I could've been somebody, instead of a bum. Naaah, I'm pretty awesome. Who else could bring you such a definitive list? Let me know if there are any essentials I forgot.

10) Head of the Family (1996): Jacqueline Lovell

Jacqueline Lovell gets nekid several times in this trash masterpiece from the golden age of Full Moon, but near the end, she's tied to a pole and has her nightie ripped off by mindless zombies. Is that rigor-mortis in your pants or are you just happy to see her?

9) Dear God No! (2011): Madeline Brumby

Dear God Yes! There's a home-invasion of frumpy young Brumby and her parents. However, the criminals (who couldn't act their way into a Full Moon movie) are more interested in the money underneath this dork's dress.

8) Grave Danger (2009): Debbie Kopacz

The highlight of any Jim Haggerty film is the writing and cinematography. BAHAHAHAHA! When you're done laughing, you may recall this scene where Debbie is forced by an unknown caller to take everything off. While not exactly in shape, Debbie does benefit from a certain doe-eyed cuteness and a scene that comes well into the flick.

7) The Hornet's Sting and the Hell It's Caused (2014): Joni Durian

Now we're talking my kind of scream queen. The movie itself is beyond incompetent, but a never better Joni Durian is humiliated into showing it all for a weird photographer she meets online. As if there are actually weird pervs online that like chicks being forced to strip... As if!

6) The Pit and the Pendulum (1991): Rona De Ricci

Stuart Gordon, you randy rascal! Stuart mother-stripping Gordon! The beautiful Rona De Ricci sadly never did anything after being stripped by Lance Henriksen in this Full Moon period-piece. The inquisition need look no further than the shady thicket of Rona's black forest.

5) Chloe (1996): Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard, the Oscar-winner? Stripped? Surely not to the buff, you're saying to yourself. But should you be surprised? Nudity in France is so commonplace, being forced to strip is practically a right-of-passage. A ceremony so beautiful, you'll need an entire box of Kleenex. Trust me.

4) Strip Search (2004): Maggie Gyllenhaal

Getting Maggie Gyllenhall to show the full monty may be Sidney Lumet's single greatest accomplishment. That beautiful bastard got to check this off his bucket list before he went to the big HBO in the sky. I only hope he's coercing Marilyn Monroe in the afterlife.

3) The Squeeze (1977): Carol White

If you're willing to endure a naked Stacy Keach, you'll be treated to Carol White dancing and stripping for her kidnappers. Carol White is one of the greatest undiscovered babes of the 70s. Discover her and thank me later. I take cash and large checks.

2) Stealing Candy (2003): Jenya Lano

Making a Xena: Warrior Princess guest-star strip in softcore porn is like stealing candy from a blind baby. But the especially gorgeous Jenya Lano is a true find. Upon first viewing, you'll wonder where she's been all your life. Then you'll IMDB her and find out. The answer is other crap starring other Baldwin brothers. But in Stealing Candy she plays a never-nude movie star that's kidnapped and forced to have sex online before her adoring fans. Both frightening and alluring at the same time. This movie changed me as a pubescent boy. For the better? You be the judge.

1) Lost Highway (1997): Patricia Arquette

One scene to rule them all. As only David Lynch could do it. My biggest celeb crush of all time bares it all at gun-point. Patricia Arquette, in her prime, stands before a roomful of dudes as the moment is teased, then drawn-out. Bury my heart on a Lost Highway.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

National Charlie Spradling Day!

That's right, filthy slobs, it's National Charlie Spradling Day in the lower 48 states; you know, the ones that don't suck. Charlie was the black-haired babe with the smokey voice from the Full Moon movies To Sleep with a Vampire, Meridian: Kiss of the Beast, Puppet Master II and Bad Channels.

Watch Charlie fuck up the Full Moon Video Zone segment:

Watch the trailer for 1993's To Sleep with a Vampire

And finally, watch her being interviewed, from Bad Channels

Monday, April 18, 2016

Netflix Horror Reviews (April 2016)

Some Kind of Hate (2015)
A ghost story about a bullied sorta-emo kid who meets/summons a ghost who kills his bullies. The bullied weirdo hooks up with a hot girl whose motivations aren't that believable. She's the highlight of the film because she's a decent actor and she looks like this:
Rich CW bitch sipping her Mocha Frappuccino that I paid for with my Netflix subscription.
The movie is more brutal than expected for a cast made up of teens. But ultimately the characters are pretty shallow and the plotholes involving the ghost get tiresome. She's a ghost that bleeds and leaves messages written in her blood. She was killed with unexplained brutality and can now kill anyone. The only thing I'd kill for is to be that dirty Frappuccino.

Houndbound (2014)
New Zealand likes its horror quirky. But there's more to this directorial debut than meets the quirk.
It's another ghost story, but it's funny and with a much more likable lead than that last pile of ghost-dookie. The less said about the plot, the better, but it involves a girl confined to a haunted house by law. It's a bit like Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs meets Peter Jackson's Brain Dead/Dead Alive, except without the obscenely gross gore. It starts slow, but stay with it and you'll find a real classic. Hopefully it's the start of a great career. Or the end of one.

The Babadook (2014)
On the flip side, this one's a bit overrated. If you even casually watch horror, you've seen The Babadook by now because each year the mainstream critics choose just one horror movie to love. Last year it was It Follows and this year it's The Witch. A creepy storybook character come to life is an unsettling idea, but I can't help wish this was less of a domestic drama.
I wanted it to take a turn into a scarier, more surreal realm, but it only flirts with a realm of terror. Lead actress Essie Davis does a killer job, however, of helping us identify with her child's fears. And not just because of her lack of makeup.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

2010s Predictions

I've been thinking about the future of horror lately because of the mainstream-ification of the genre with TV like American Horror Story, Scream Queens, Scream and the continuing parade of remakes.
Without further adieu, here are my crackpot predictions for the next 5-10 years of horror.
1) We'll finally get the Suspiria remake and it'll indeed be disappointing.
2) There will be a Ginger Snaps TV series that'll actually be received well by fans.
3) A true Hellraiser remake will continue to linger in a hellworld limbo.
4) More Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes/sequels will roll out as horror fans roll their eyes.
5) Following Wes Craven's death, Robert Englund will "go postal" and get arrested for consecutive DUIs.
6) John Carpenter will kick the bucket wearing his trademark "who gives a fuck" sweatsuit.
7) Masters of Horror will be resurrected in some form. I can dream, can't I?
8) Eric Stanze will continue to make terrible movies following his 1999 masterpiece Ice from the Sun.
9) Jennifer Rubin and Tuesday Knight will collaborate on a get-rich-quick scheme and end up badmouthing each other to bored bloggers.
10) Blogger 'Mr. Xploit' will untie the noose from his neck and not jump from his chair, when it's announced that both Emily Perkins gets the lead in an erotic horror epic and Russell Brand is elected president of the US of A.