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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Blue is the Warmest Color DVD Incoming


The winner of the 2013 Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival is finally coming to DVD and Blu-Ray February 25th. Premiering as part of the Criterion Collection, the love story between high school-age Adele and college-age Emma hilariously has 69 customer reviews on Amazon as of this review.
There aren't many extras on the disc, but rumor is that Criterion is shortly releasing a special edition. Either way, this is the transfer of the film you want to watch. It was approved by the genius director himself. In case you aren't privy, the film has caused biblical levels of controversy for just a lesbian sex scene.
Hell, I feel like every other movie I watch has a lesbian sex scene. Although many say that it's the most intense one ever committed to film. I wouldn't be able to hold my very legitimate "Esquire" credential if I didn't watch it.
For months everyone has been feeling the "Blue" love, apparently even Barack Obama down there. It's time to get on board, gentle followers.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Dario Argento's Dracula (2013) Review


Or, the film formerly known as "Dracula 3D." For better or worse, Argento is still at it in the 2010s. Available on Netflix as "Argento's Dracula," this adaptation of Dracula is fairly straightforward.
Director Dario Argento's daughter Asia plays the Lucia role in her father's version of Dracula. As most viewers would hope, she eventually strips before the camera. I can hear the Argento family theme now, "Still sleazy after all these years." She first got nude for her father when she was still underage in his movie "Trauma." Coincidentally, that was also her diagnosis in family therapy. Zing! The other eye-candy is beautiful Italian Miriam Giovanelli as Tania the vampire.
Other than those elements, the movie is... well... how do you say, not so good, as Dario Argento would say. For one thing, the production design and costumes look as cheap as a college Halloween party. The CGI budget is on-par with Kanye West's Bound 2. Dracula himself is also about as scary as a lovable little Italian man trying to direct in English.
Aw, isn't that adorable? He thought the coffin was the Port-A-Potty. Director needs a diaper change. Thank God for the 2nd 2nd AD.
Asia honestly does a good job with the material. The material just doesn't do anything new. The writing suffers from boring characters and much on-the-nose dialogue. The movie truly would've been unbearable if it weren't for Dario Argento's complete lack of shame. Having said that, it's a definite step up from his last couple of movies. It's a bit like a long, lesser episode of Masters of Horror.
So if you want a cheesy, trashy, Dario Argento movie starring Asia Argento and you've seen all the others that fit that description, you're in luck! There are worse ways to spend 110 minutes.
Rating: 2 out of 5.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

BRUTALITY, SEX, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!


HBO's newest AAA show/exploitation masterpiece "True Detective" has officially premiered. Why should you care? 5 reasons.
5. Hot off expertly playing a monster in "Killer Joe" and winning a Best Actor Golden Globe, Mathew McConaughey inhabits another dark, unsettling role.
4. Woody Harrelson. The fearless man pretty much kills any good role he lands. He worked alongside McConaughey in the comedy EDtv, but both have come a long way since 1999. Haven't we all?
3. The brutality. The two detectives track a serial killer over 17 years, becoming corrupted themselves as the case consumes their lives.


2. The women. Michelle Monaghan and Alexandra Daddario play the lust interests of our main boys. Us horror hounds know scream queen Alexandra Daddario from such bursting-at-the-seams fare as 2013's "Texas Chainsaw" and 2010's "Bereavement." If you haven't seen them, catch up now on Netflix Instant, before the second episode airs. The skintilating verdict: Alexandra pops out the twins on Sunday's episode.

1. It's a seasonal anthology, much like American Horror Story, sure to attract more big-name actors with big-chested friends. Stay tuned for more info.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Video Game Spotlight #4

The Last of Us (Playstation 3)

WARNING: SPOILER FREE.
Why am I writing about games so much? I haven't seen many movies this year that are worth blogging about, honestly. It was a better year for horror games than horror peliculas. That's foreign for "movies."
Even the ghost knows the movie he's in is a piece of sheet. Oh no wait, maybe that's just... Anyway, the newest product from PS3 game developer "Naughty Dog" is the year's biggest horror game and probably biggest game period. It's very adult, in both content and maturity, it's the most gorgeous console game yet, and it plays like butta. That's Jewish for "butter."
The story is long and extremely involving because of the relationship between middle-aged Joel and 14-year-old Ellie, and the stakes involved in the two of them walking across the country to their goal. You quickly learn it's gonna be a long, hard road through hell. Diseased zombie-humans have infected most of humanity.
Once again, the game is uber brutal. You'll constantly be worrying that one of the main characters will be permanently killed off in the story, which may or may not actually happen. The character animation and voice-acting are mesmerizing and constantly walk the line between game and reality. Now I sound like one of them fully-erect critics, don't I? But watching Ellie fiddle around in an empty room while I play Joel really is mesmerizing. When you're searching for ammo or collectibles, the Ellie character will explore whatever's in the room and occasionally engage in small-talk like a real person.
Above are the two actors that shaped who the characters ended up being. Many people thought the voice of Ellie was either Ellen Page or her twin sister Justin Bieber, but it was actress Ashley Johnson.
If you have reservations about the game just being pretty, it's a lot more than that. Running, gunning, hiding, climbing, swimming and collecting all feel amazing because of how fluid it controls. I've never enjoyed a movie-like experience that was quite this fluid. No Tomb Raiders allowed.
Play it to the end and it'll be one of your all-time favorites. Play it a second time and consider a gym membership.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Video Game Spotlight #3

Lone Survivor: The Director's Cut (Playstation 3, PS Vita)

Having just wrapped my first playthrough of the PS Vita version, I am scared. Of this game. I urge horror fans, who have one of the game systems, to experience it. It's weird being a lone white guy in a strange world, with a grin on my face, popping a pill to fall asleep and having strange dreams, but enough about me. Let's talk about the eerily similar game. The real things that make this 2D, indie, survival-horror game scary are the amazing sound-effects and the fact that the protagonist of the game is clearly insane from the get-go.
Looks like a grin, eh? It's a surgical mask he's wearing because he's the supposed lone survivor in a post-apocalyptic city where monsters dwell. The mystery as to what's going on is slowly uncovered, as the protagonist shoots demons, has bizarre recurring dreams and occasionally talks to inanimate objects. It's clearly inspired by Silent Hill in various good ways. He travels through mirrors, descends into basements from hell, and fights enemies that are distorted and generally hard to identify.
If you happen to have a PS Vita and a PS3, one of the coolest features is both cross-buy and cross-save. You get copies for both systems if you buy one of them and you can load the same game no matter what system you're playing on, by uploading your save to a cloud. All in all, the game doesn't have the most satisfying endings (there are multiple), but it's the journey and not the destination. It's the best horror game I've played during this generation of gaming.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Merry Halloween... or whatever

Happy Halloween from me and this eccentric man in the William Shatner mask. Any normal person would've been down for the count after the first Halloween movie, so it's a good thing Michael was wired for such explosive action.
Halloween, the day when normal people can appreciate horror movies too. Or at least pretend to. Make sure to watch a horror movie at the end of the day if you and your friends are out partying, and if you're left out of the partying, then take the opportunity to drop a nice, relaxing deuce while reading an issue of Fango!

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Worst Idea for a Blog Post Ever


Yup, the worst idea for a blog post ever is making a blog post about the worst idea for a blog post ever. So here it is: HORROR: THE OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO a.k.a. if all your favorite horror icons made one terrific, terrible song (promoting movies they're plugging, of course). Oh god, I've seriously posted this? I feel naked right now. I feel like the white guy in the 90s band All 4 One, photobombing my black neighbors.
Speaking of terrible music, back to the idea. It would go something like, Clive Barker feat. Tobin Bell feat. Sid Haig feat. The Soska Sisters feat. Lloyd Kaufman.
Then the current crop of jackass hipsters like Ti West and David Bruckner as a backup a cappella group.
Play it straight boys (for once), no chaser! For the love of god, no chaser. And what about Ernest Dickerson as the Stevie Wonder of the group. But wait, there's another cameo! It's Robert Englund!
Mmmm... I wanna Miley all over his Cyrus. Let's get Brad Dourif in here for a Chucky rap!
Thank you to anyone who read the above. I just had to get all that out of my system.